Having a Twin.........

and as the words continued to flow right past my eyes. streaming as steady as huge clouds on a windy day. i looked off into space thinking that the moments were unreal. to actually hear and see first hand that I have a twin. there was someone out there that also shared the same build and makeup as I. they too were made with complexeties & simplicities that made them too, to much to be sum'd up in paraphrased words. For a new moment in time. NO, a new moment in LIFE.....I can start to look at my struggles differently. I have a twin. Im not alone.

listening to the way you complain about your struggle. a Twin! "why did i not know this" is all i can think. as the images weve painted move along as a slow winding slide show i hear more about your insecurities and doubts. You talk about the broken committments, the upsetting failed attempts, the multiple regroup/restarts, and even the blame game. I continue to stay in shock. Wow, thinkn to myself..., Why did I never know this. It sounds nye-eve to think that no one else is going through my struggle. that all of a sudden, my issues and problems are new to the world and no one has ever been thru it like me before. Duh, Billy...there is nothing new under the son. and that includes our experiences.

OK, now that i know there is someone out there going through the same thing...i will move on.

I do a 2 mile plus walk now. TWO MILES!!! wow, who woulda thought I would be pumpd about a 2 mile walk. Ive done it TWO DAYS STRAIGHT! Won TWO TICKETS to the comedy show tonite. TWO GIRLS told me that they felt that I was doin good and would keep it up. TWO Days of eating less than what I would normally eat. I could go on and on.

All is good. great last couple of days. and pump'd to see how the next few days will go.

I keep telling myself...."Dang, Billy...cant u dedicate atleast 50 days to this." eventually I go all the way down to trying to do it one hour at a time.

Being Fat is a Full Time Job....& Im about to quit!

UGH! Its not fair that it takes sooo much more effort to remove the stuff that it takes only moments to add. I want pancakes! I want sausage. I want.......Hell, I dont care, just gimme somethin to eat! lol. Its ironic that I want to lose weight. Ive PSYCH'D myself into thinking that each day would be a breeze and its truly not. I said I would lose 30lbs b4 the end of the year and I will. I feel like Im losing now. But rest assured thats ONLY cause I have no groceries. This weekend when I go shopping may bring about different results. I havent went out to eat as much this week and thats a BIG accomplishment. All day everyday Im thinking about food more and more. Its like the more I try and NOT think about it...the more i do. Food, Food, Food. Apparently I need more going on in my life. Cause I see now, Food has the starring role as of now.

I did a 2+ mile walk this morning. I hated that I didn't do anything yesterday so I had to get out and hit the pavement. I pushed myself for sure. Im proud that I got that walk done. I look forward to more. Just wish I could look back over my shoulder and see a trail of fat coming off, and not a trail of candy paper and drive thru trash.

Lets see what lies ahead.

Post Halloween.......

"Yall make sure you don't eat ANY CANDY til we check it!" screamed the fat man through the crowd. The kids that didn't ignore him look back with disgust as they clench their candy bags tighter. Their little minds think only that he wants to sift through their candies to pick his cut, using a safety check as an excuse.
OK, so as you can gather I went trick-or-treating with some friends and their kids last night. It was a looonnnngggg walk. It brought back a few memories of the times I did it when I was younger. I even took the bag up to a door myself.

I thought over and over about the candy while I was walking. I kept asking myself if it would be OK to grab a piece from the kids. I had already had a few peices before we left the house....and like little pieces of bacon to a hungry dog, I was sniffin for more. I kept wondering about how great of a day it is for strangers and neighbors to rally together and pass out candy to others for NO apparent reason! I wondered if that hurt the fact that kids are unhealthy in such large numbers. I wondered if I could eat the candy so the kids wouldnt be unhealthy! lol. Then I realized that for the most of the walk all I could think about was eating candy! Even though I wasnt eating any....I thought countinously about what portion I could grab....How much I would eat. LOL, I even got to a point where I was walking around in awe that people were so generous to hand out candy.....knowing that i would be rolling around in it throwing it in the air letting it rain on me like.

We walked so long that everyone was tired and soar. I came to the house, leaving ALL the candy with the kids. I am happy to say that I didnt eat ONE peice of candy the day after halloween. I know I have the 'Lose 30lbs" thing goin b4 my bday at the end of the year, but I know Im gonna eat candy. and me saying it and writing it here will be the allowance for me to do just that. lol. its crazy.

I went walking today. It went smooth. I said I would walk later tonite too just to help counteract that chicken i been eatin' on ALL day! lol. lol.

Today Ive eaten baked chicken, ramen noodles, and kool aid. thats been the only thing all day. I dont have groceries and i had to make myself NOT go out for fast food. especially since church's chicken is the closest thing.

...being addicted to crack.

Lord help me. Who else could deliver me from an addiction of such magnitude. As everything should be, I place this in Your Hands.

So, I have a friend thats a crack addict. He has had such a troublesome history surrounding his addiction. Family, jail, jobs, his entire livelyhood....all affected by something that many of us could see a billion times a day and walk right pass it without it having any affect on us. He ,on the other hand, can see crack and it takes him into a different zone. He probably instantly feel a connection. His skin probably tingles, his heart races, his mind wanders......wonders what it would be like for a quick hit. Wonders if the new high last longer and feel better than the last. For a split second...if not longer....he wonders past all the consequences of poor action. He looks for the momentary satisfaction that at that very instance seems to outweigh ANY lasting trouble.



Some of us will never know such a struggle. the struggle in which engulfs all that you are to maintain a normal existance. It would be easy for us to say he shouldnt smoke crack. Of course we would say that. Just as we would say it would be easy for him to stop after going to jail the first, second, or third time. It'd be easy for someone to sit down and explain to him how it has damaged his relationships...both personals and professional. How the exhausting struggle has damaged his image, character, and even physical appearance. Seriously dude....just stop smoking crack, dont u see what its doing to everyone around u....including yourself?



There is really no difference between my addiction and his. but this is MY BLOG....enough about my boy.


So yesterday I told you that I wanted Taco Bell. Well, I went for it. I realized while I was at the stand placing the order that i wasnt even really hungry. I ordered the XXL taco combo with an extral XXL taco. Why? I dont know. I stuffed myself with it after finally getting to the house. I sat there last night full and happy....with a dallop of sadness. Until I realized what I did.

I made up in my mind that I was gonna start tomorrow to eating better. Maybe not even eat anything. I had planned on going to church for noon day service, too. I did neither. I ended up making time with a friend and She & I went to a Chinese Buffet today! I complained about being on a diet the whole time as I had the orange chicken, the sesame chicken, the lo mein, etc. Once again I see a pattern. Im talking more and more about the 60 days and doing less and less.

lets see what tomorrow holds. Im gonna go talk to this one guy who does training and see if he will help me jumpstart a end of the year countdown. setting me up on a work out regimend that corresponds with my bday at the end of the year. hoping that the outcome is a good round number. we will see. its all talk now......apparently.

I want TACO BELL....& Whose gonna STOP ME!

Ok, so as u can gather so far...I want some taco bell. Im sitting here on the couch flipping past the world series. Rangers, Rangers, Rangers!!! The score is Rangers 4 to SanFrans 8. My friend is sitting here with me telling me to turn from baseball. She says she never understood it and she wants to watch something else. She has to repeat herself a couple of times. My mind was so focused on trying to lose weight that I had drifted off into la la land. wondering what it would be like if had lost some weight. wondering what it will be like if i can lose extra pounds by my birthday. Just wondering. Once she had my attention again, I wondered to myself if she ever thought about food as much as I did.

I really wanna use this 60 day countdown as a way to get back into this more heavily. I want to have a greater impact over the next 2 months leading up to my bday. Starting my 30th off a few pounds lighter. Entering into the New Year already into a new regimen.......with a betterment of health as the longterm goal.

My mind has been racing back and fourth all night about what finding something to eat. No matter how hard I try I just cant get food off my mind. There is nothing I can say or do to escape the thought of tacos or nachos from Taco Bell. Im not even realllllly that hungry. But each time I tell myself I shouldnt go. Each time I tell myself the reasons WHY i shouldnt go, I STILL WANT TO GO. I am literally battling myself on wether or not Im gonna go get Taco Bell and the sad part is I know whats gonna win. Ranger game was interupted by a taco bell commercial! I flipped to VH1's I Love Money and Brittanya has on the tightest and shortest and nicest clothes on, she sooooo fine. She a slip away from being naked!...AND YET ANOTHER TACO BELL COMMERCIAL!!!

Its hard to explain to someone on the outside lookin in. But i understand why its not only a physical...but a true emotional struggle too. for some. mainly cause u have to understand the connection u have with food before u simply try to remove it....or even make big modifications to the habits u currently have with it. u shouldnt eat out of habit. with that being said...now what.....

attempting to Getting it Right, again!...(Recent weigh-In included)

ok. so here goes. once again ive reached this point. the point where i say...OK, Im gonna do this. Im gonna do it for realz this time and there is NO giving up. Ive once again gotten to the point where Im setting goals, dates, workout plans, etc. its crazy. I could make a list of the times ive been at this point. each time i tell myself...no, i mean..each time I PSYCH myself into thinking that I can do this. I trick myself into thinking that it will be easier than the last times and i will see results, stick to it, and eventually end up SKINNY! lol. i really need to get it together.

The one thing about letting everyone know that im doing this is that people ask. they ask for many different reasons, but nevertheless they ask. i knew there would be some people that gave up on me from b4 i could start. there are some that ive probably disappointed. i really just wanna stop disappointing myself. when people ask for updates on my blog or where i am on my goals....it reminds me that i need to be doing something. and depending on the moment...i will either do something or feel bad that im not.

i can give u the list of reasons as to why i cant keep up a healthier lifestyle. or why i cant keep it consistent, but i will tell u that there has never been a lack of will and ambition. its the actions that lose ground....the want and need is there.

There is now an added motivation for me. Now Im jumpin' back in this and want to make grand results by the end of the year. I placed myself on a 60 day countdown to my birthday hoping that the short timeline will allow me a more impactful, yet unlengthy moment to break new ground. Its wierd. but its something else to try. lets see what all we can get done within the next 60 days.

By the way.....My most recent official weigh in says that Im now 3 more pounds lighter than the last weigh in. i took a friend to the weigh in. i was thinking that i would have gained about 10 back, but suprisingly enough i had lost an additional 3. that in itself is motivation.

Comin' Clean.......(Part 1)

Ive been having the hardest time. I have made the craziest attempts to make these issues in my life seem so effortless....make them seem irrelevant and unimportant...make it seem as though this too is a ride in my life that I have under control. When I know that I dont. I don't have control over this. I dont have control over the issues, the excuses, the sadness, the depression, the hate, the self-loathing. I remember just the other day being so excited about jumpstarting a workout plan. In April, when I began this, I thought that this would be a piece of cake. I thought that I would be able to look back at April now and see some CRAZY/Great results. Not look back and see a trail of hot mess. Inside I feel like shyt. I feel like this is proof that I cant commit and that I cant do it. I feel like its been a let down to myself, my friends, and family. I put myself into a corner where its only me handling with it and only me left to pick up the pieces after its all came crashing down. again. This is one of those times where I feel kinda helpless.

I remember the other day Ashley asked me if I was seriously trying to lose weight. I said YEA!, why do u think I walk around here everyday. Why do u think I talk about losing weight so much. She asked me had I been a big guy for a long time. I said Ive always been big. She literally started laughing. out loud! She looked at me with her ghetto squint and said that I WOULD NEVER LOSE WEIGHT OR NOT BE A BIG GUY! I honestly was left without words for a minute. I couldnt believe someone could so effortless or carelessly toss my hopes and goals aside as if they were a joke. AND SHE WAS REALLY LAUGHING. wow, was all i could think.

I went to St Johns Church in Grand Prairie. I have this thing about sitting near people. I always feel like My fatness is rubbing on them. Or making them uncomfortable. I feel like people see me coming and either wish they could move or wish that i dont sit or move their way. I sat on a bench and the crazy usher had me scoot further down into the bench so someone could sit down. I hate having to stand so people can squeeze by me. I have not wanted to attend church just cause I have a problem with seating.

I went to IBOC in Dallas. Ok, so I have this thing about squeezing into stadium style seating. I feel that they were made for the skinnys of the world. Do I expect them to make wide seating...which will take up more space, be more costly, and take away from the max number of seats possible.....NO, of course not. Just allow more seats to have the arm able to be lifted. I ended up sitting in a spot where the arm didnt lift and the person beside me kept having to apologize for accidentally bumpin into my left MAN BREAST. how unholy is that.

I went to Cheddars and before I knew it the girls had us seated in a booth. A BOOTH! they know dam well I dont do boothes. I played along with em. They looked, smirked, and acted as if they werent for sure if I wanted to change to a booth. Since everyone was starting to sit down, I just scooted in...let my stomach wrap around the table. and just kept it moving. I felt like going through something like that should teach me not to wanna be fat. i see that it doesnt. it actually just makes u that much more depressed about how fat u are.

When people quote Forrest Gump and say Life is like a box of Chocolates.....all I can think of is biting into all the different chocolates. I completely forget that Forest Gump is even mentioned. I think of all the ones I bite off of and place em back in the box...then go back and eat off the ones i really like. sad, i know.

part time hustling

Lets say that u clean carpets. U tell me that I can come to u for the hookup at anytime and you need the customers so spread the word. I do that. It hasn’t even been a week….or even a month and you have already fallen off. That shyt pisses me off. Why hustle if you know its just part time. If you don’t wanna put some time and effort into it to see the investment pay off…then why bother. Whats even worse is that I actually took time out calling you trying to see if u were still on the carpet cleaning hustle. Part time hustlers and their part time products.

I feel like im the hustler. This walking and doing something daily is my hustle. And I brag and boast and cant even maintain consistency enough to consider it worth while. Well, not to me atleast. Why bother, I ask myself. Why keep it going?

Im going to get some more partying outta my system for the weekend then buckle down and get some ‘Act Right’ in my system. Each day brings a new struggle but im looking forward to the gym attempts and whatever else im about to step into.

Stay tuned…….

To walk or NOT to walk........that is the question?!

To Walk....

One step at a time. It hurts sometimes to know that I allow simple things to get in my way of what I need to do. Not just with walking but in all aspects. This being the most relevant. I started out saying that walking will be my simple start at making attempts to do SOMETHING each day and also be consistent with something. In hopes that me doing it continuous for so long would make it a habit. I see how skinny people work out daily and truly enjoy it. As if its second nature and I wanna get like that. Why am I not like that. WHY AM I NOT SKINNY ALREADY! Dam.
Ive had those days where I didn’t wanna walk. I did. Ive had those days where I felt the excuses where actually valid. I still walked. Ive had people telling me that walking wasn’t the best start for me…that I should jump head first into doing it….their way. I still walked. I can be proud that I attempt to be strong and walk….but I know the downsides. Ive quit over and over and over again. I tell myself that doing the bare minimum (1 lap around the apts = about 1.5 times the size of the track around the football field) is worth it. I have psyched myself into believing that if I don’t wanna go and just do the minimum Im still doing something. I have to accept that its not. Its not a reason to stop…cause I do believe that doing something is better than nothing…but I cant expect great results with minimum work. Something has to give. Before I do.

or not to walk?....!

I know the reasons behind me doing this. I know the value and importance that this holds to me. I know that I will keep going. But thru all of that it SUCKS knowing that I already skipped days. Excuses or no excuses….I still skipped em. During my trip to Atlanta, I walked a little. 2 of the days I didn’t. Then once I got back I missed another. Including last night Ive missed a total of about 4 since I started at the end of May. Since my party at the end of last month Ive been hitting the minimum for most of the days and have not looked back. Why? Why am I treating this as if it needs minimum care? Whats wrong with me? Why do I have more down days with multiple excuses? Why do I have to talk myself into doing something that I clearly know, believe in, and even understand why I have to continue? Why?…..Why?……Why?! Im lacking physical motivation.

Emotions..............

Fat. Everyday, all day. Im so tired of feeling different. Its weird feeling like you are an open target for kids and people with their own insecurities. I hate that I have to confront my own issues. I hate that my issues aren’t the simple issues I see others have. I hate that im sensitive. I hate that me being sensitive affects my heart. I hate that being sensitive affects this process of me walking. I hate the way I see myself. I hate that I hate the way I see myself. I hate how others see me. I hate being fat. I hate thinking that im fat. I hate knowing that im fat. I think I have a fat complex. I hate thinking I have a fat complex. I hate eating. I love eating. I love food. I love cheese. I love sweets. I love junkfood. I love cooking. I love cooking for others. I love walking. I hate walking. I hate sweating. I hate the way people look at me while im exercising. I hate that kids laugh at me. I hate that people HAVE TO tell their kids not to make fun of me or call me fat names. I hate the way that people whisper amongst themselves when they see me. I hate that I notice. I hate that I care. I hate that I cant snap my fingers or blink my eyes and everything changes. I wish I had a genie in a bottle or leprechaun with magic. I hate the sad days. I hate the depression. I hate the lack of motivation. I hate the work that I have to put in. I hate the bad days. I love the bad days. I love that God allows me to look back over everything and know that for every thing I hate….there are 50 things more that I love. I love the fact that the GOOD days out ‘weight’ the bad...lol.


For a dude who prefers to hide his true feelings and emotions for the most part...then have to confront MYSELF and admit that im truly struggling with issues over this is really hard. Its hard knowing that people get up and make these changes like its nothing and I cant even make myself do a minimum lap for 50 days str8 without stopping. Im sad more days now cause I feel like im letting myself down. I know this is temporary. I know what I need to do. Nothing or no one is to blame besides myself.

weigh in......

Ugh!….where do I begin. Clouded mind full of excuses. I know that Ive honestly had every emotion that a normal person….wait! Its not right to call myself normal. A normal person woulda been showing better results, stronger dedication, more seriousness, better preparation, etc. Something is definitely wrong with me. I can’t understand why this process, in which I am still in the beginning of, is not as easy as I want it to be. it’s a mind game that Im not winning. Its weird.
Sometimes you know exactly where you wanna go. You can see in your head the exact position of where you wanna end up. But somewhere between leaving the starting point and arriving at the destination….u can make a wrong turn and end up way up the block trying to do a u-turn, having to get back on track. Remembering that you’ve known all along where you are going. I know I have this beat. I can see where I wanna be at the end of the day….Its getting there that im allowing to be a hard struggle.

My neurologist smiled when he saw my weight. “Wow, Mr Gordon…you are definitely going in the right direction.” I had to ask him if he was serious. I had saw the weight and noticed that it wasn’t NEAR the amount I wanted. I started at 398 and thought that I would be at 320 by now ……something is WRONG. Lol ok, well maybe not 78 pounds. But anything more than the original 13 that was lost the first two weeks woulda been suffice. Im only 9 down. I GAINED 4 from the first few I lost. IM DYING INSIDE! Literally wanted to jump off a bridge. I actually told the doc that if I was near a bridge I would need help getting past it. Lol. All he see is the numbers in front of him on paper. He doesn’t understand the struggle. it’s a mental and physical one. He talked with me about it and made me understand that any loss is a great loss. I had to post a pic of the most current documented weigh ins for the readers.

I am deeply motivated to getting in a better physical position. But on MY TERMS! (....& im worried)

Burning off a lil eSteem!

I hit the pavement today walking with a mindset on completion. The days previous I had been lacking in longevity and felt that today would be the day where I got back on track with it. Even though I have been walking for 37 days straight. Sometimes the accomplishment fails to encourage me to continue. I have the days where Im not as motivated and don’t crank out as much. The days where I do the bare minimum I’ve set. The one day where I walked more doing other things and considered that my exercise. It really is weird once you look back and notice how moods change. Some days I wanna walk…some days I wanna run. Some people get up each day and run, jog, walk, or whatever and have no second thought on getting it done. I have to signal the chief and summon the courts just to get motivated to move. Im still hoping that the daily walking is the step in the right direction. I haven’t stopped and have no intentions to.
I do plan on making more changes and incorporating more things into my daily routine very very soon. Right now Im trying to get settled into summer. Lol, I have to re-adjust each season. My summer and winter adjustment is off the chain. My party for my half birthday was off the charts. I had well over 50 something people. The margarita and daiquiri machine was spinning the good stuff all night. Live DJ along with BBQ grill made it the best of the best. I walked around thinking to myself “does anyone see me as fat as I see myself?” I kept wondering if my clothes were to tight on me? I sweated sooo much. I felt like a big blob rolling over all the girls I attempted to hug up on. Saying my hellos and ‘long time No see’s.

Ive came to understand that me being so literal of myself is a form of having low self esteem. Stuff like me thinking Im supa fat…lol…ok, that’s true but stuff like me wondering if people see me as a big blubber ball, not being able to eat in front of folks, or clothe shops never having my size, squeezing into booths instead of waiting on tables, kids wiping ice cream on you, etc…all signs of low self esteem so Im hearing. Wow. Who woulda thought that my constant worry of taking up too much space on the church bench, ESPECIALLY when im in the middle and have to TURN SIDEWAYS to move for offering, or not being able to enjoy certain theaters cause they have the small seats or the arm don’t go up. People automatically assuming that I wanna ride in the front seat cause…..for whatever the reason might be. Noticing that skinny people are more happy. (lol, of course its not necessarily true….just depends on the person). I could go on and on from the mind of a apparent sufferer of Low Self Esteem. Ugh! This sucks.

Im gonna go weigh in tomorrow. I started this walking game at 398. I feel like Ive gained. We will see. Im not sure of how this looks from the outside looking in….but from my stance I can only see me winning. I just hate the little mind games and struggles along the way. Overall, I do know that Im gonna win this. Im playing it my way and on my terms. Ive had the slow days. Ive still walked EVERY day. Im good. Self esteem issues and all.

Wasted!

ive caught myself falling into a slump. and the slump is getting more and more comfortable. im still walking each day. consistently. but instead of increasing the walk for more endurance, I end up cutting it short. Its still a good walk, so I use no excuse for not doing more. Its a personal thing cause I know I can do more and shouldn't continue to have excuses as to why. Im gonna do better on that.

like i said in the beginning of this....I will walk each day to simply include some form of working out in my daily regimend. Ive done that. by no means has it became second nature. by no means am i ready to skip a day or more at a time and start back. by no means am i saying that at the first drop of rain or traffic, or midgets Im wont skip a day of walking. but it has become a part of the daily regimend. Now i have to do 2 more things to the 'just walking' routine. set the walking schedule up on a more set pattern, keeping track/time. and to increase it as I go along. as should be expected.

eating habits have been an issue as u have probably read before. so its no suprise that they still are. its came to that point of the walk-along that im starting to face them. Im coming up with specifics but for now its just cutting back. I havent even set a date as to when I will make it official.....but its coming soon. Even tho the walking has been consistent everyday...nothing else is there to make the difference and i know and accept that. its gonna work. it sounds crazy reading me talk about it...but it will. I just know it. ugh! why havent they made a cream for fat folks. u rub it on tonite and wake up skinnier my friend E'Lisha. lol (lightpole skinny!)

.....since no one reads this mess I will just cut off right here. im sittin here soooo supa excited about my party. ive been down in a rutt these last few weeks and im throwing myself a half yr bday. its really to just cheer me up. life is so crazy. my problems arent normal people problems. lol. but hey....who dont thinks that at times. lol

Fatty McFatty Fat

I wanna act as if me approaching 30 days of walking consistently isn’t such a big deal, but it is. I really see more and more that even though I believe its gonna be easy since I’ve finally made it up in my mind to do this…I see that its truly not going to be a walk in the park. Lol, no pun intended. (ya get it…me walking everyday…no walk in the park…ugh, whatever! Cant believe im explaining my jokes in my own blog….how sad.)

Each day I do a lap….at least. Sometimes its more…really depending on the mood. I have my days where I feel like I could really do this. But just wait…..soon enough there are days where I need a tow truck and a crew of midgets to come help me through the day. Lol. Sometimes I wish that someone else could take the fat off me as if it was a fat suit…..work out…..then I would get it back….cause of course I cant just donate it!? Lol. Or if I could just go to the gym and get on a push up/sit-ups machine and it does the sit-ups/push ups for me. No self exertion involved. Why should I have to use my strength and get tired? (sounds crazy when I say it out loud. But hey….when I’m walking I have a lot of time to think)

Each day is a separate day. Ive noticed that I have to start over every day motivating myself to walk. Something so simple as walking a block or more thru out the apts….it still takes a strong effort at times. A physical and emotional one. Guilt trips, depression, anxiety, excitement, happiness, etc….I could name em all. It hasn’t even been quite a month and Ive been on a rollercoaster. There has been times that Ive wanted to quit. But that’s the simplest and easiest issue to get over. Mainly cause I know that’s not an option. But I still think it. I thought I heard that if you do something repeatedly for so many days it becomes a habit. What is that NUMBER?! Cause im waiting for this to be a habit and hopefully becomes easier. But until then I will make it work by talking myself into it. Daily.

I have so many things I am thankful for. After I’ve made it through each day I look back and know that its one less day I have to worry about. Its one more day that I’ve done SOMETHING. Its one more day. Its rough attempting to be better when you’ve made your self so comfortable doing the opposite. Im happy that I learned to give my issues and problems over to the only one who can handle them. God has made it possible for me to approach 30 days on tomorrow and still be at it. Yea, it’s a crazy struggle. But I know its possible.


Im always thinking fat thoughts, but in my head im skinny. How does that work?

Fat Facts

I guess its a fat thing. and unless uve been there u just wouldnt understand. I feel like there isnt a diet under the sun that I havent heard about. Not a medical procedure, diet restriction, pill....NOTHING known or even THOUGHT about. It seems that people make it their duty to keep me updated on how much their coworker or baby daddys momma lost on the adkins diet. How their friend or the dude from tv drank elephant piss and ate jumbalaya every day with the letter A in it. Its crazy. I take it all in. I act as if Ive never heard it and just shake my head and agree that it sounds cool. As if I can say it don't work....?! They apparently telling me the diet cause they think I need it. I could write a book on the best weightloss supplements and programs. Ive had multiple years of practice at getting to this point. There has been times when I was a teenager riding the city bus and strangers would ask if I had heard of a certain diet and then insist that I try it. I wouldnt get a hello...just a diet tip.

FatFolks know the game. Its our game...that we play so well.

Ive started to take all of those billions of tips into consideration. I feel like Ive heard so many over the years that Ive thought were maybe interesting. This is the time to try them!! Im gonna pick a week and start there. I will dedicate a week or so to a random diet that I choose or create and see how that goes. For instance: One week I will do a salad diet. Maybe eating healthy salads like a some kinda fruit something or other for breakfast, greenery for lunch and dinner. One week doing shake supplements. Another week trying a certain meat and try a meet a week or something. I know it sounds crazy, but there are some I wanna try and Im gonna do some. Somewhere mostly around a week at a time. It will add some change and keep me on my toes. I might even put my faith in check and try to Fast for a week. Clean my spirit and flesh hitting the bible and just water for a week. I know thats thinking to far ahead, but those are things Im gonna wanna try.

We will see how it works out. Over the years Ive collected the suggestions...I might as well put them to use.

Did my walking today and now I continue to think more and more of what I can do to make it better for me. Make the walking pay off more. I think less and less of the kids and crazy folks in my head I think are watchin' me walking thinking...look at him...he needs to do more than just walk. he need to roll around this muth...

If u see me walkin'...join in. I need the motivation to add more distance.

13 pounds in 13 days

I have taken time off from blogging on the daily for so many different reasons. The main one being that I honestly don’t think that people will understand me or find what Im saying interesting in ANY kinda way. Im not sure if Im suppose to update it daily….or what. If it was up to me (and it is) I would post something daily. Im always thinking I have something to get off my chest. The problem with my A.D.D. is that I forget the stuff that I wanna say by the time I get to the Blog! Lol

Ive given up on walking over and over again. I kinda feel like the impact is soo small that its kinda pointless that I keep it up. I have though. Even though I can’t see exactly how far this will go and how it will play out…I can say that Ive been consistent with it and I am now on a 14 day streak of working out. My workout consists of me simply walking around my apt complex. I started thinking to myself that I had to do SOMETHING. In my head I was thinking that the easiest way to make this more adaptable and more of a lifestyle change is to integrate something small into my daily activities. Walking when Im bored or making myself do it atleast once a day was my start. I weighed myself on 4/15th and the doctor has it down at 398. I weighed myself again on yesterday(day #13)and I was down 13 Lbs. I was immediately let down. Thinking to myself that 13 pounds isn’t enough. Instead of wanting to do more….I had a few moments where I wanted to give up. It was double sided. I ended up not being happy about it. I want to….I just cant. Its like trying to be happy that your car note is paid, but you don’t have gas money and no one to borrow it from. Its like…wtf? Seems like you should just be happy to have the car. Well….maybe not a good metaphor…but whatever…its MY BLOG lol!

Im not eating healthy yet. Just walking. Since I was let down from the weight in Im thinking its time to maybe step it up a notch. Either exercise more or start watching my eating habits. Im kinda scared cause I figured that I would have quit by now. Im thinking that since I havent quit so far that making it more difficult will be the final straw. I already have excuses and find it hard sometimes to GET UP and move around, but I do. The eating part is waaay trickier. Its usually so easy to eat how Ive been eating. Remembering that ive had 29 years to perfect this ‘craft’. Now in a matter of moments Im attempting to modify it towards a different direction. None of the changes are BiG changes, but in my head their significant enough to question my dedication. I think sometimes that if I can already feel like Im gonna give up…why prolong it. MAYNE my head plays tricks on me like crazy. But Im still good.

Taking it one day at a time. Literally.

If u see me walkin’….feel free to join in.

7 days in a week!

Is it too early to be happy? Today marks the end of the first week of me walking. One week alone has had its on up and downs. More ups than down cause Im still standing after this week. Im not sure how much longer it will last….but we will see. I added headphones to the mix today and it made an otherwise boring exercise session rather enjoyable. I added more walking today since my 1st cuz from Arkansas is here visiting. I felt I had to show him a small part of the walking that I do so that he can see that Im actually covering a little ground. Literally. Today all the walking done makes it the most walking so far. Im looking forward to next week and hoping that a week from now that I can say that I made it through 2 weeks instead of one. Its still a one day at a time struggle. But knowing that I’ve made it for at least a week lets me know that it may work out in my favor.

I have a billion things to work on. Exercise is just the first in a long list of improvements.

Sweaty.Crack

Im not sure how blogging works. Whats the time frame on posting? Is there a such thing as blogger ettiquette? What is ettiquette? Those are the type of things I wanna know. Simply because NO ONE READS THIS! lol. This exercise thing is starting to be consistent and once I get out of the initial "draggin' my ass off the couch" mode I feel like it will pick up. Ive talked to a couple of people that has said they have started new trends in their exercise and eating habits and are already into it a few months. Im trying to take it one day at a time, but I know its possible.

Today someone invited me to the gym. She said that she had my back as though she supported me with my attempt at making exercise a routine. WHAT! Is it weird that I felt special for a moment. I think that just makes me look as sad as I really am. lol. I did feel special though. I just dont think Im ready for the gym yet. That alone gave me motivation to walk. Its the furtherest Ive walked so far. It has to be atleast a mile. fa real. Im glad a couple people were out to see. atleast 3 people told me it was too hot and that I should walk when its more cooler...like early AM or later in the PM. I walked around 11am. It was super hot and I was super SWEATY.CRACK open some A/C was all I could think.

I kept going.

I appreciate folks taking me serious. I appreciate 'some' folks for the cool moments in this craziness period.


God has my back and never lets me down. I tell people how good He is in other things...I apparently need to start aknowledging him more in this avenue. He is definetely needed.

If you see me walkin'.....Join in.

Its ok to skip a day....I will make it up later.

I really just wanna laugh at how crazy this is already affecting me. Really. I think about it all the time. Knowing that Ive made such a strong commitment (yes, I too am scared of commitment ladies!) and that I hold myself accountable is craaaazy. I should start an excuses list. I should jot down daily excuses I have for why something as simple as walking is so hard to do. Yesterday I walked a little extra than what Ive been doing and today I went the other direction and cut some of the workout time off. Is that normal? I was having one of those….Its ok to skip a day, I will make it up later……moments. I should know by now that it never works like that with me. I went back and fourth all day trying to decide if I was gonna do ANYTHING. I finally did. Whew. What a relief. Im still in it. Thank GOD. I don’t wanna set myself up for failure thinking that if I don’t walk everyday it will cause a problem in my process. I know for a fact that giving up will be 10 times easier if I skip a day of working out this soon. Im trying to tell myself that there are no excuses. Ive had a soar leg, an ankle that acts as if carrying around 400lbs is too much!, a bad headache, fatigue…..etc. You get the picture? I do. I went walking anyway. I made an effort and it paid off. On to the next one.

Im sad at myself cause I can’t believe Im allowing this to be an actual struggle. I know its not gonna be easy….but I felt in me that it would all work smooth since I had told myself it was something I wanted to do. Lets just say……..The mind is a very strong muscle.

I can understand why the eating part is so important. Exercising makes you not want to eat unhealthy things SOMETIMES just cause you think of how much goes into losing each calorie. Its not fair that something that takes 10 minutes to eat….may take a week to burn off! Lol. U know what I mean though. Its definitely something to think about.

Til next time. Hey, if u see me walkin’….join in.

Bg

whose ROLL is this??

Ok. So going at it for a few days for someone who doesn’t quite get the psyche side of this…..I see its really gonna be a HOT MESS! I have to walk with my head down staring at the ground for now. Walking with people is cool but I see how that can not be so good too. Go figure. ut when Im by myself something goes on. Im not for sure if its healthy or not. Not sure if Im suppose to succumb to the victimizing and cruelty I allow me to put myself under. Its like meeting ya worse enemy and having one on one time with them on a daily. They know you better than yaself and has something to say about everything. In my case….It seems to rarely be good. I have to keep looking down so no one will see the tears. Rolling down my face. Apparently tears burn! Tears of sweat that is. Im a wreck, but not that bad. Well, I guess it depends on who Im askin. Walking along the side of the road or thru the apts Im on a mission. Face Down, Head Up, Back Straight, Breathe, Walk, Breathe, Walk! Yea, I need to get a headset. If someone asked me for advice about toughing through this I would tell them to Be strong and all the other stuff people say when you are working at something. Its different for me though. Its like an uphill battle with a lot of little hills and unnecessary pot holes that make the journey that much more rough. Im digging the pot holes. Im creating my own little hills. Face Down. Breathe!

I was rolling around my KANGsize bed and felt around looking for my phone. I reached under me to see if I had rolled over it and grabbed something else. For a quick second I thought it was one of the pillows that come with the bed-in-a-bag set….too many dam pillows if ya ask me!,…but it wasn’t. It was ONE OF MY BACK ROLLS! Who says that? Who has them? Who wants them?? Whatever ya question is…It cant replace the shock at that whole situation. Honestly I figured the fact that me thinking that I was skinny was a good thing. Its not. Its not healthy at all. Not when you seriously forget you have rolls. I think Im turning on myself. Fat Billy and Skinny Billy are once again at war. I’m not sure who is gonna win. Im not even sure who Im rooting for. Just in typing this blog the moment of defeat passed thru. Its just that simple. But I have to win. Skinny Billy has to win. OMG! Whats wrong with me?

Im scared to proof read this. I might need serious help.

Billy vs BG - Round 1

Should I exercise today? I mean hey!…I have been doin’ good the last few days. I was thinking that I would skip my morning walk and just do one later this evening. My mind isn’t focused enough to walk. I really need to just chill, update my fb games, catch some TV, go pay RentACenter!, I even have to make a few calls. My day is tooo busy and I just don’t feel like walkin’ right now.

That’s how my day started. I had to convince myself that I even WANTED to walk! I wasn’t soar. I wasn’t sick. I wasn’t even in a rush to do anything. I was having a FAT MOMENT and didn’t wanna walk outside my door with the intent on making efforts toward exercise. Its hard to explain how a GROWN ASS MAN can sit and talk back and fourth with himself about something so simple. I did. I do. I will. But just like I did this morning, I have to make myself do things I may not even feel like doing. I had no excuse. I had to convice myself of that. I did get out. I did make myself go. & I will make myself go. Each time.

That’s my goal….to have victory over myself. I have to adopt a whole other mind set and its not gonna be easy. I didn’t give in this morning. Before I dragged myself into the street this morning I felt that this journey was about to turn ugly. I didn’t feel that the motivation that I needed was their. If it was their…It wasn’t strong enough. I was having a FAT MOMENT. That’s the moment where you start to realize that its not gonna be easy and you fix your sights on the negative parts of the process. I read 4 messages that were in my inbox that were COMPLETELY in support of me and my efforts. They appreciated the BG30 blog and it really made my morning. I was feeling all weird that people even read it…then to know that they care and are behind me gave me the energy to get out there today and make it do what it do! I did it with ease. Im on my way outside now to hit a block. Just glad that Im still motivated and in it for the fight. My heart is in it. My mind is all over the place. My body has no choice.

All comments are appreciated. Don’t hesitate to leave a note. If you see me outside walkin’….Join In!

Fat Man Walkin'

Feels weird trying to explain something so personal to people that will probably never understand. You probably don’t understand me…so I know my thoughts will confuse you. Hell…my thoughts confuse me!

Walking toward the crosswalk earlier all I could think was that I definitely need to make a list of all the things I need to help me with this. Better shoes, headphones, more workout clothes, etc. Well…better yet…I really shouldn’t be exercising until I actually get all the stuff I need. That’s the best way to do it. I don’t wanna be uncomfortable or not have all the necessities. If I’m gonna to do it.. I’m gonna do it right!

And just like that my journey would take detour. Eventually ending up in a pile of other failed actions due to notable excuses. I make sure that the reasoning is good enough and then I talk myself into believing it. I see now that the MENTAL SIDE OF THIS is gonna literally ‘weight’ me down.

Im still inspired. Just a little doubtful. Im also concerned. Some skinny folks walked past me today and had remarks and jokes. Nothing worth me commenting on with them. I think one of em called me a fat mr T. Another dude slowed his car down and yelled “let her walk with ya bro! make my girl walk, she needs to get out there with u!” as he pointed to the woman in the passenger seat. They drove off laffin it up. I feel like im walking down the street with a sign that says... FAT MAN WALKING! Stuff like that bothers me a little. I will leave it at that.

Im still in it. You would think its too early to give up. Lol. You would think.

a lil Background......(Before getting started sets in...)

….I can hear her laugh as she opened the countrified screen door giving off its screeching alarms to let all know someone else had entered. My grandpa was onto his coffee and off to his days activities. I alone would sit in the kitchen with her as she prepared the rest of that huge country breakfast that was left over for me and then transition into dinner. I would reap the benefits of it all. She taught me so much. I love her for loving me and even now…20 years to the day of her death, I still look to honor her and the memories I have for her in my heart.

Minnie May (Morris) Goshen 1932-1990

Each morning my grandparents ritual was to get up and dressed, start a fire in the heater, then sit to eat breakfast. I remember looking out the window from our trailer across the street. I can still see a cool brisk summer morning waiting for the chimney to smoke. That was our signal. That was their way of letting me know that it was time to come on over and get it while its hot. Krispy Kreme has their ’Hot’ light….grandma had smoke signals! I doubt they did it on purpose at first…however they did know the significance of it to me eventually. My grandfather jokes still come up about his tricks on not lighting the fire until after breakfast. Just so he could laugh at me showing up late. Nothing compares to the love you get from grandparents. It too is truly priceless.

On May the 25^th of 1990 my grandmother passed away. I still remember that day as if it was yesterday. She left this earth due to congestive heart failure. “Fluid around the HEART, Fluid in the LUNGS..Fluid!....” was all I heard as a 9yo kid. I didn’t understand what high blood pressure was. Diabetes wasn’t a young folks disease so I didn’t understand it enough to care what it was, so I thought. Taking pills was something sick people did and I wasn‘t sick. Dialysis was something I witnessed or heard a lot of people went through…but never did it affect me. BUT It should have since these were and are still things that affected those around me on a daily basis.

After she passed away it literally changed the dynamic of my family. It left a void in my heart. She was grace on earth. For a child that went through a major part of my life feeling rejected and unaccepted…she made sure I knew I was family. AGAIN!! That was 20 years ago….and now I’m needing the additional inspiration to crack open, fall into, dive head first…or whatever you call it…into this next section of my life. I pray that the strength I felt they portrayed to me as a yungin’ empowers me to accomplish some small goals. I will do these things for God and pray that it honors him. I will do this for myself in hopes that I’m here another day to do His Will. I will do this for my Minnie Mae Goshen who after all these years still inspire me. I will do this because I truly believe that her showing me how to eat and smothering me with love through food was her only way of showing me that. I appreciate that…I really, really do.

Now its time to learn how to be healthy. I am going to take it one day at a time. The good, the bad & the ugly. I’m going to truly make an effort to get my health together. I wouldn’t put your money on me. I wasn’t blessed to believe in myself and to be so extremely confident as others seem to be. So this is definitely going to be a HOT MESS…..