Comin' Clean.......(Part 1)

Ive been having the hardest time. I have made the craziest attempts to make these issues in my life seem so effortless....make them seem irrelevant and unimportant...make it seem as though this too is a ride in my life that I have under control. When I know that I dont. I don't have control over this. I dont have control over the issues, the excuses, the sadness, the depression, the hate, the self-loathing. I remember just the other day being so excited about jumpstarting a workout plan. In April, when I began this, I thought that this would be a piece of cake. I thought that I would be able to look back at April now and see some CRAZY/Great results. Not look back and see a trail of hot mess. Inside I feel like shyt. I feel like this is proof that I cant commit and that I cant do it. I feel like its been a let down to myself, my friends, and family. I put myself into a corner where its only me handling with it and only me left to pick up the pieces after its all came crashing down. again. This is one of those times where I feel kinda helpless.

I remember the other day Ashley asked me if I was seriously trying to lose weight. I said YEA!, why do u think I walk around here everyday. Why do u think I talk about losing weight so much. She asked me had I been a big guy for a long time. I said Ive always been big. She literally started laughing. out loud! She looked at me with her ghetto squint and said that I WOULD NEVER LOSE WEIGHT OR NOT BE A BIG GUY! I honestly was left without words for a minute. I couldnt believe someone could so effortless or carelessly toss my hopes and goals aside as if they were a joke. AND SHE WAS REALLY LAUGHING. wow, was all i could think.

I went to St Johns Church in Grand Prairie. I have this thing about sitting near people. I always feel like My fatness is rubbing on them. Or making them uncomfortable. I feel like people see me coming and either wish they could move or wish that i dont sit or move their way. I sat on a bench and the crazy usher had me scoot further down into the bench so someone could sit down. I hate having to stand so people can squeeze by me. I have not wanted to attend church just cause I have a problem with seating.

I went to IBOC in Dallas. Ok, so I have this thing about squeezing into stadium style seating. I feel that they were made for the skinnys of the world. Do I expect them to make wide seating...which will take up more space, be more costly, and take away from the max number of seats possible.....NO, of course not. Just allow more seats to have the arm able to be lifted. I ended up sitting in a spot where the arm didnt lift and the person beside me kept having to apologize for accidentally bumpin into my left MAN BREAST. how unholy is that.

I went to Cheddars and before I knew it the girls had us seated in a booth. A BOOTH! they know dam well I dont do boothes. I played along with em. They looked, smirked, and acted as if they werent for sure if I wanted to change to a booth. Since everyone was starting to sit down, I just scooted in...let my stomach wrap around the table. and just kept it moving. I felt like going through something like that should teach me not to wanna be fat. i see that it doesnt. it actually just makes u that much more depressed about how fat u are.

When people quote Forrest Gump and say Life is like a box of Chocolates.....all I can think of is biting into all the different chocolates. I completely forget that Forest Gump is even mentioned. I think of all the ones I bite off of and place em back in the box...then go back and eat off the ones i really like. sad, i know.