Burning off a lil eSteem!

I hit the pavement today walking with a mindset on completion. The days previous I had been lacking in longevity and felt that today would be the day where I got back on track with it. Even though I have been walking for 37 days straight. Sometimes the accomplishment fails to encourage me to continue. I have the days where Im not as motivated and don’t crank out as much. The days where I do the bare minimum I’ve set. The one day where I walked more doing other things and considered that my exercise. It really is weird once you look back and notice how moods change. Some days I wanna walk…some days I wanna run. Some people get up each day and run, jog, walk, or whatever and have no second thought on getting it done. I have to signal the chief and summon the courts just to get motivated to move. Im still hoping that the daily walking is the step in the right direction. I haven’t stopped and have no intentions to.
I do plan on making more changes and incorporating more things into my daily routine very very soon. Right now Im trying to get settled into summer. Lol, I have to re-adjust each season. My summer and winter adjustment is off the chain. My party for my half birthday was off the charts. I had well over 50 something people. The margarita and daiquiri machine was spinning the good stuff all night. Live DJ along with BBQ grill made it the best of the best. I walked around thinking to myself “does anyone see me as fat as I see myself?” I kept wondering if my clothes were to tight on me? I sweated sooo much. I felt like a big blob rolling over all the girls I attempted to hug up on. Saying my hellos and ‘long time No see’s.

Ive came to understand that me being so literal of myself is a form of having low self esteem. Stuff like me thinking Im supa fat…lol…ok, that’s true but stuff like me wondering if people see me as a big blubber ball, not being able to eat in front of folks, or clothe shops never having my size, squeezing into booths instead of waiting on tables, kids wiping ice cream on you, etc…all signs of low self esteem so Im hearing. Wow. Who woulda thought that my constant worry of taking up too much space on the church bench, ESPECIALLY when im in the middle and have to TURN SIDEWAYS to move for offering, or not being able to enjoy certain theaters cause they have the small seats or the arm don’t go up. People automatically assuming that I wanna ride in the front seat cause…..for whatever the reason might be. Noticing that skinny people are more happy. (lol, of course its not necessarily true….just depends on the person). I could go on and on from the mind of a apparent sufferer of Low Self Esteem. Ugh! This sucks.

Im gonna go weigh in tomorrow. I started this walking game at 398. I feel like Ive gained. We will see. Im not sure of how this looks from the outside looking in….but from my stance I can only see me winning. I just hate the little mind games and struggles along the way. Overall, I do know that Im gonna win this. Im playing it my way and on my terms. Ive had the slow days. Ive still walked EVERY day. Im good. Self esteem issues and all.