Burning off a lil eSteem!

I hit the pavement today walking with a mindset on completion. The days previous I had been lacking in longevity and felt that today would be the day where I got back on track with it. Even though I have been walking for 37 days straight. Sometimes the accomplishment fails to encourage me to continue. I have the days where Im not as motivated and don’t crank out as much. The days where I do the bare minimum I’ve set. The one day where I walked more doing other things and considered that my exercise. It really is weird once you look back and notice how moods change. Some days I wanna walk…some days I wanna run. Some people get up each day and run, jog, walk, or whatever and have no second thought on getting it done. I have to signal the chief and summon the courts just to get motivated to move. Im still hoping that the daily walking is the step in the right direction. I haven’t stopped and have no intentions to.
I do plan on making more changes and incorporating more things into my daily routine very very soon. Right now Im trying to get settled into summer. Lol, I have to re-adjust each season. My summer and winter adjustment is off the chain. My party for my half birthday was off the charts. I had well over 50 something people. The margarita and daiquiri machine was spinning the good stuff all night. Live DJ along with BBQ grill made it the best of the best. I walked around thinking to myself “does anyone see me as fat as I see myself?” I kept wondering if my clothes were to tight on me? I sweated sooo much. I felt like a big blob rolling over all the girls I attempted to hug up on. Saying my hellos and ‘long time No see’s.

Ive came to understand that me being so literal of myself is a form of having low self esteem. Stuff like me thinking Im supa fat…lol…ok, that’s true but stuff like me wondering if people see me as a big blubber ball, not being able to eat in front of folks, or clothe shops never having my size, squeezing into booths instead of waiting on tables, kids wiping ice cream on you, etc…all signs of low self esteem so Im hearing. Wow. Who woulda thought that my constant worry of taking up too much space on the church bench, ESPECIALLY when im in the middle and have to TURN SIDEWAYS to move for offering, or not being able to enjoy certain theaters cause they have the small seats or the arm don’t go up. People automatically assuming that I wanna ride in the front seat cause…..for whatever the reason might be. Noticing that skinny people are more happy. (lol, of course its not necessarily true….just depends on the person). I could go on and on from the mind of a apparent sufferer of Low Self Esteem. Ugh! This sucks.

Im gonna go weigh in tomorrow. I started this walking game at 398. I feel like Ive gained. We will see. Im not sure of how this looks from the outside looking in….but from my stance I can only see me winning. I just hate the little mind games and struggles along the way. Overall, I do know that Im gonna win this. Im playing it my way and on my terms. Ive had the slow days. Ive still walked EVERY day. Im good. Self esteem issues and all.

Wasted!

ive caught myself falling into a slump. and the slump is getting more and more comfortable. im still walking each day. consistently. but instead of increasing the walk for more endurance, I end up cutting it short. Its still a good walk, so I use no excuse for not doing more. Its a personal thing cause I know I can do more and shouldn't continue to have excuses as to why. Im gonna do better on that.

like i said in the beginning of this....I will walk each day to simply include some form of working out in my daily regimend. Ive done that. by no means has it became second nature. by no means am i ready to skip a day or more at a time and start back. by no means am i saying that at the first drop of rain or traffic, or midgets Im wont skip a day of walking. but it has become a part of the daily regimend. Now i have to do 2 more things to the 'just walking' routine. set the walking schedule up on a more set pattern, keeping track/time. and to increase it as I go along. as should be expected.

eating habits have been an issue as u have probably read before. so its no suprise that they still are. its came to that point of the walk-along that im starting to face them. Im coming up with specifics but for now its just cutting back. I havent even set a date as to when I will make it official.....but its coming soon. Even tho the walking has been consistent everyday...nothing else is there to make the difference and i know and accept that. its gonna work. it sounds crazy reading me talk about it...but it will. I just know it. ugh! why havent they made a cream for fat folks. u rub it on tonite and wake up skinnier my friend E'Lisha. lol (lightpole skinny!)

.....since no one reads this mess I will just cut off right here. im sittin here soooo supa excited about my party. ive been down in a rutt these last few weeks and im throwing myself a half yr bday. its really to just cheer me up. life is so crazy. my problems arent normal people problems. lol. but hey....who dont thinks that at times. lol

Fatty McFatty Fat

I wanna act as if me approaching 30 days of walking consistently isn’t such a big deal, but it is. I really see more and more that even though I believe its gonna be easy since I’ve finally made it up in my mind to do this…I see that its truly not going to be a walk in the park. Lol, no pun intended. (ya get it…me walking everyday…no walk in the park…ugh, whatever! Cant believe im explaining my jokes in my own blog….how sad.)

Each day I do a lap….at least. Sometimes its more…really depending on the mood. I have my days where I feel like I could really do this. But just wait…..soon enough there are days where I need a tow truck and a crew of midgets to come help me through the day. Lol. Sometimes I wish that someone else could take the fat off me as if it was a fat suit…..work out…..then I would get it back….cause of course I cant just donate it!? Lol. Or if I could just go to the gym and get on a push up/sit-ups machine and it does the sit-ups/push ups for me. No self exertion involved. Why should I have to use my strength and get tired? (sounds crazy when I say it out loud. But hey….when I’m walking I have a lot of time to think)

Each day is a separate day. Ive noticed that I have to start over every day motivating myself to walk. Something so simple as walking a block or more thru out the apts….it still takes a strong effort at times. A physical and emotional one. Guilt trips, depression, anxiety, excitement, happiness, etc….I could name em all. It hasn’t even been quite a month and Ive been on a rollercoaster. There has been times that Ive wanted to quit. But that’s the simplest and easiest issue to get over. Mainly cause I know that’s not an option. But I still think it. I thought I heard that if you do something repeatedly for so many days it becomes a habit. What is that NUMBER?! Cause im waiting for this to be a habit and hopefully becomes easier. But until then I will make it work by talking myself into it. Daily.

I have so many things I am thankful for. After I’ve made it through each day I look back and know that its one less day I have to worry about. Its one more day that I’ve done SOMETHING. Its one more day. Its rough attempting to be better when you’ve made your self so comfortable doing the opposite. Im happy that I learned to give my issues and problems over to the only one who can handle them. God has made it possible for me to approach 30 days on tomorrow and still be at it. Yea, it’s a crazy struggle. But I know its possible.


Im always thinking fat thoughts, but in my head im skinny. How does that work?

Fat Facts

I guess its a fat thing. and unless uve been there u just wouldnt understand. I feel like there isnt a diet under the sun that I havent heard about. Not a medical procedure, diet restriction, pill....NOTHING known or even THOUGHT about. It seems that people make it their duty to keep me updated on how much their coworker or baby daddys momma lost on the adkins diet. How their friend or the dude from tv drank elephant piss and ate jumbalaya every day with the letter A in it. Its crazy. I take it all in. I act as if Ive never heard it and just shake my head and agree that it sounds cool. As if I can say it don't work....?! They apparently telling me the diet cause they think I need it. I could write a book on the best weightloss supplements and programs. Ive had multiple years of practice at getting to this point. There has been times when I was a teenager riding the city bus and strangers would ask if I had heard of a certain diet and then insist that I try it. I wouldnt get a hello...just a diet tip.

FatFolks know the game. Its our game...that we play so well.

Ive started to take all of those billions of tips into consideration. I feel like Ive heard so many over the years that Ive thought were maybe interesting. This is the time to try them!! Im gonna pick a week and start there. I will dedicate a week or so to a random diet that I choose or create and see how that goes. For instance: One week I will do a salad diet. Maybe eating healthy salads like a some kinda fruit something or other for breakfast, greenery for lunch and dinner. One week doing shake supplements. Another week trying a certain meat and try a meet a week or something. I know it sounds crazy, but there are some I wanna try and Im gonna do some. Somewhere mostly around a week at a time. It will add some change and keep me on my toes. I might even put my faith in check and try to Fast for a week. Clean my spirit and flesh hitting the bible and just water for a week. I know thats thinking to far ahead, but those are things Im gonna wanna try.

We will see how it works out. Over the years Ive collected the suggestions...I might as well put them to use.

Did my walking today and now I continue to think more and more of what I can do to make it better for me. Make the walking pay off more. I think less and less of the kids and crazy folks in my head I think are watchin' me walking thinking...look at him...he needs to do more than just walk. he need to roll around this muth...

If u see me walkin'...join in. I need the motivation to add more distance.

13 pounds in 13 days

I have taken time off from blogging on the daily for so many different reasons. The main one being that I honestly don’t think that people will understand me or find what Im saying interesting in ANY kinda way. Im not sure if Im suppose to update it daily….or what. If it was up to me (and it is) I would post something daily. Im always thinking I have something to get off my chest. The problem with my A.D.D. is that I forget the stuff that I wanna say by the time I get to the Blog! Lol

Ive given up on walking over and over again. I kinda feel like the impact is soo small that its kinda pointless that I keep it up. I have though. Even though I can’t see exactly how far this will go and how it will play out…I can say that Ive been consistent with it and I am now on a 14 day streak of working out. My workout consists of me simply walking around my apt complex. I started thinking to myself that I had to do SOMETHING. In my head I was thinking that the easiest way to make this more adaptable and more of a lifestyle change is to integrate something small into my daily activities. Walking when Im bored or making myself do it atleast once a day was my start. I weighed myself on 4/15th and the doctor has it down at 398. I weighed myself again on yesterday(day #13)and I was down 13 Lbs. I was immediately let down. Thinking to myself that 13 pounds isn’t enough. Instead of wanting to do more….I had a few moments where I wanted to give up. It was double sided. I ended up not being happy about it. I want to….I just cant. Its like trying to be happy that your car note is paid, but you don’t have gas money and no one to borrow it from. Its like…wtf? Seems like you should just be happy to have the car. Well….maybe not a good metaphor…but whatever…its MY BLOG lol!

Im not eating healthy yet. Just walking. Since I was let down from the weight in Im thinking its time to maybe step it up a notch. Either exercise more or start watching my eating habits. Im kinda scared cause I figured that I would have quit by now. Im thinking that since I havent quit so far that making it more difficult will be the final straw. I already have excuses and find it hard sometimes to GET UP and move around, but I do. The eating part is waaay trickier. Its usually so easy to eat how Ive been eating. Remembering that ive had 29 years to perfect this ‘craft’. Now in a matter of moments Im attempting to modify it towards a different direction. None of the changes are BiG changes, but in my head their significant enough to question my dedication. I think sometimes that if I can already feel like Im gonna give up…why prolong it. MAYNE my head plays tricks on me like crazy. But Im still good.

Taking it one day at a time. Literally.

If u see me walkin’….feel free to join in.