2Fat2Fly

beach wear, check. sandals and tennis shoes, check. jeans, slacks, dress shirt or 2, all check. personables like toothpaste, toothbrush, even lotion.....ALL CHECK. those are the things normal people worry about before a vacation. I sit and bite nails, pull out hair, even worry myself into a depression state. Not over issues like..'Did I unplug the iron?, Who will drop me off & pick me up from the airport.', but rather, will I be able to fit into the seat alotted for me or will I have to purchase an extra ticket. For some reason I can barely think of anything else. Wondering if I will be too fat to fly.

I wont continue on it too much longer. its the only thing that continues to be on my mind....thats enuff mention of it. I hear the saying "if u dont like it or yaself, do something about it" and only if it was that simple is my only reply. flying to vegas a couple months ago gave me the same concerns and all worked itself out. but this is a different airline so the worry is back. now that ive bitten off nails and stuff i guess i have no choice be to wait and see.

Withdrawals

Well, here it is. I have barely gotten started again and already running into road blocks. Seems like the older I get not only is it harder to change ya lifestyle but its harder NOT to give up. I find myself feeling as though I have a need for food. I even tell myself that its ok, just do it. It wont hurt anything since u are already bigger than all outdoors. I find myself having to struggle and fall into an all out war over the smallest things. Its unfair. Its unfair that Ive allowed myself to be controlled for so long by food, gluttany, obesity, and an unhealthy lifestyle. But whats even moreso unfair is the fact that Ive fallen into that stage of comfort with the way I am and dont always see a reason to change. I thought when I was younger that Id always have time to get diet and exercise into a daily routine and I wouldnt have problems making it so. THAT WAS A LIE. Im so quick to tell you how Im independent and can do what I want. Im a grown man, I can EAT WHAT I WANT. I can go down the line. At the end of the day I know this is something I have to do. Its just sooo much easier not to do it.
Today I went walking again. Remembering at one time I walked for miles at a time. Now, I have to get myself back focused with exercise primarily. Atleast start counteractin some of these calories Im loading up on daily. Any exercise will help for now I guess. Its just a start. I know Im no where near were I need to be, but Im hoping to not give up this time. No excuses to put it off. One way I plan to do it is that I wont have a bad moment, hour, day or week and then feel like ALL IS LOST. If I fall off the bandwagon then I will just pick up where I left off. Last time I waited til near my bday and had a few bad days. After that I kept putting off gettn back on track but I felt that there was no need cause I allowed too much time to pass. Well, hopefully Ive learned that wont work for me. I have to know that thru the bad moments and the goodones....anytime is a great time to get on track. Im not saying Im already planning to fall off, just being realistic....i feel as though its expected. (Unless the Lord says otherwise and gives me the strength to quit eating crazy, exercise more, and get healthy without falling off).
So many things tie into why I eat the way I do. From hunger to just outta habit. From time/convience to self esteem/depression.
Some family and I went out to eat today to a soul food spot in dallas. (shout out to Sweet Georgia Browns) The portions are soooo ridiculous! I mean....dang. We packed it up and came back home. Now up until that point...I was watching what I had eatin for the day. I was trying to do more moving and burning more calories than I did inhaling foods. I came home with the fam and MURDERED that food. I found myself stuffed beyond repair. I even tasted food from other folks plates! Seriously, Im not a person who eats like that.....but how am I to prove myself. My actions today along with my physical appearance would leave u to believe otherwise. The food was clearly enough for atleast 2, maybe even 3 folks to eat. I didnt even realize til After over half of my food (smothered turkey legs, cabbage greens with FAT back, lol, blackeyed peas, Broccoli Chz casserole covered with a SUPA thick layer of cheese and a host of drinks. Tea, Pepsi &&& water)was about gone that I had stuffed most of it down. I wrapped up what was left, through it in the fridge then started to feel bad. No, literally. I was sooo stuffed that I couldnt function...not to mention that -Itus that is so famous with eating TURKEY! lol. Later this evening I went outside to chat on the phone and did some laps around the basketball court, the park, then the apt complex. I worked up a lil sweat and even felt like I was working down some of that meal for 3 i had attempted to digest from earlier. During my walk I realized how bad I wanted to get back into the swing of a healthier lifestyle.
The rest of the evening was going as plan. No snacks, nothing needed to drink or eat. Watching the ARLINGTON RANGERS win the ALCS had me soo excited that I felt the need to celebrate. lol, As if I too won. Not sure why but I immediately made up multiple excuses as to why its ok to eat the rest of a full course meal at 11pm at night. The game ended and Ricky Smiley was on BET doing comedy. The laughs from him made me want to snack and eat even more. IM NOT SURE WHY! knowing that I have an addiction is one thing....but trying to suppress it is even crazier. The food was calling me from the fridge!! Calling me from inside the container, inside the plastic bag, inside the fridge....all the way to me sitting in the living room watching TV. Eventually I gave in and answered the call. I made myself a plate of ribs, mac and cheese, sweet potatoes, and greens. it was sooooo good. But i already know that it cancels out the little work out I did and took me further down the wrong road....on which im apparently trying to steer clear of. its just not happening as I want.
After I finished and was supa stuffed again I remembered that I had green seedless grapes in the fridge. As soon as I thought of em I had a taste for em. I thought DANG, i coulda had that instead of that huge plate that I finished. My next actions involved me eating grapes. I felt like JUST CAUSE I thought of em I may as well have a few.
I dunno. Im guessing that instead of going thru withdrawals....Im still fully addicted and havent found a way to truly handle it. The changes Ive made so far keep food on my mind even more. Ive started to notice the headaches more, the crankyness, and other issues. All steming from me not eating the way I want. Its kinda humorous but I for one isnt laughing. More like getting laughed at. The struggle is genuine and unless you have been fat for a minute then attempted to make a commitment to getting fit and healthier then u wouldnt understand.

Ive talked enough. Let me leave more for later......

Hi, My name is Billy and Im an addict.

ok folks, here we go again. Once again Ive come to a breaking point. That point where the self awareness, self image, self esteem, self depression...lol all that self stuff comes together and allows me to see that getting my health under control is worth ANOTHER attempt. Soooooo, Let me take a wack at it. No need to put it off. Well, I should say....no need to CONTINUE to put it off.

Ok, now about my addiction.

Ive came to the understanding that one way I can try and get a handle on the fat issue is to treat it like it really is a problem. In the past Ive treated my diet fads as if they were add-ons to my life and not corrections to some problems. Whats the difference, you ask? Well, to me the main difference is that the add-ons were just that....something I incorporated into my already moving life. The correction to a problem allows me to address an issue and find steps to resolve it. With that being said Im now trying to make sure Im going about the best ways to resolve an issue I have. Currently I have a couple addicitons Im going to have to work on. Food being the MAIN ONE and the more serious one I feel because its going to be the hardest to break due to it currently being a life long addiction.

lol, Guess I will leave more to talk about at a later time. Just know that Im admitting that I have a problem and now I'm about to lay out a plan and take action on getting the problem knocked out. First step was to get it off my chest. Yes, I am addicted. & am on the road to recovery. Looking forward to breathing the fresh air of sobriety. lol

Blessed...wit a lil Vegas on the side

media player going through my bootleg library. Of all the songs Ive heard, hearing the random play of Jill Scott's opening track called Blessed from 'The Light of the Sun' just reminded me that I have alot more to be happy about in oppose to try and holdin onto the negatives. Im in such a crazy spot. Im closing one chapter and now entering into a whole new era of manhood. (cant wait) Its so crazy that its hard to explain....so I wont bother, lol atleast not yet. Most likely it will be in a later blog. At the moment Im looking at myself as if Im a block of clay or a huge rock. thru discovery im finding that ive had the tools all along to mold that clay or chisel at that rock. Ive just never cared to learn the proper way of using them. I now am. Im Blessed.

Gonna get the nerve up to tackle weightloss again really soon, too. This time Im goin in with a lil more experience and some suprise attack plans. Im eventually gonna win the war. Its so weird trying to figure out all the ups and downs of life and then have a weight complex on top of all that. lol, God....for real? But, what doesnt kill ya makes ya stronger. If you dont hear that enough you eventually learn it. And its a little more literal when it comes to your health and weight struggles. Im going to fly to Vegas in a week and the thought of having to buy an extra seat keeps popping into play. Its funny when I see my brother try and explain his reasons as to why I wont need to purchase an extra seat. He swears Im skinny when he talks to me. Fat folks hate to be patronized. well, most any folks do. I know I will most likely have too. Feel like its already a damper to a last minute, 1/2 birthday, first time ever flying, or really going anywhere special trip. We will see.

Even knowing that weightloss brings on its own luggage Im still ready. Im game to try and sweat it out some more. lol. Im wrapping up a couple of things that Im wanting to give some extra attention to & once completed I will have been raised to a higher understanding of how to handle myself as a whole. from there everything else will fall into its place. then and only then will i have the necessities to make a dent. Im truly believing that. Im blessed. You can say that even before you see where the cards will fall. You can say that when you know who holds the cards.

Media Player bout to hit that Ross, Wayne & Chamillionaire mixtape. My whole mood bout to change. A storms a brewin'....lol

Stuck in the Middle

taking a deep breath, I pause....then exhale. "Again." He says. "Nice, everything sounds good in your chest." said the Dr. Wait here and the nurse will be in to take some blood. Shortly thereafter she strolls in. "Hi, Mr Gordon. You ready to get 'poked' today?" We laugh and continue to greet one another. All I can think of is dam....yet another test? another blood test or nerve test, or sleep test, or...etc. The list could go on and on. And just like that God sends me another lesson in life.

On the outside people may see one side but internally the real you can only be seen with keen eyes, an open mind, and a faithful heart. The real you may not be shy but is definetly selective. As well we should all be. Not everyone deserves a piece of you. Not everyone gets the priveledge, nor deserve the right and benefit of enjoying who the real you is. I feel that way because everyones intentions arent true....and one we are built up with layers to deter those away that arent there for the long-haul or those that may end up being a hinderance to your past.

God is working with me. My views or those of a Man thats traveling. A traveling man that has began his journey, doesnt see a end in sight, and is yet to understand the logistics, the purpose, or the expectations for this middle journey. I remember years back I made a deal with God. Its funny how I laughd it off in thinking that it had no real basis.....Its God for goodness sake. Who makes a deal with Him?? Well, he listens. & apparently if you DONT watch closely he will deliver on it and you wont even realize it. He did. Now that I look back I see that He delivered on his end and now its time for me to do the same. A deal is a deal.

Ive been trying to get focused, refocused, and focused some more on weightloss. But thats gonna have to take a back seat. Not a LONGER wait (cause its been waiting for bout 20 years now lol) but a little more time to get my my and heart inline. Im on a road and each time something new comes around I lose my way, become unattentive, and end up off course. Making up time and attempting to right and due wrongs in the process. The catch is....I end up no where. Stuck in one spot spinning around like a lost chicken and using whatever comes along as the next BIG thing to correct or focus on.

This time Im good. Im gonna continue to walk the path, enjoy my Travels, and start to anchor my life more as a whole and weightloss will fall in where it needs to be. Its still a definite priority. I just know that it needs other things to go along with it to truly work and Im getting everything in line to make that happen. Being stuck in the middle of a journey gives you time to reflect on the past and plan for the future. God has shown me that. He has shown me that its NOT about the test all the time. Sometimes its what you do while waiting on the results. Are you holding steadfast on the Word and know that all is well? Do you become worrysome and try alternate solutions with uncertanty?

The middle is ok.....its where you get the work done. Life is full of unexpected twists and turns. like a spiral staircase going upward.....you just never know whats around the corner....all you know is that its going up and thats the way you are headed too

Puttin on my shades.....

dang, where do i begin. its so many different things goin on in my head that I can barely focus. i wanted to first say that since the last blog update (Nov,2010) that ive grown a little in some aspect. but i wont admit to such a thing. my heart, brain and fingers wont collaborate at this instance to produce such a lie for you to receive.....if for no one else but myself (since im the only one who even reads my blogs), I will continue with the truth. BG.

This blog is mainly about the weightloss goals and struggles along the way. So I will attempt to keep it at that. Ive typed multiple paragraphs about things going on, current activities, traveling, etc. but in the end...they are all excuses. One other reason to continue to put weightloss in the background. I find myself at times really loving myself. No, dont get me wrong....thats essential, but I mean loving myself to the point of not carrying that I am seriously overweight and act as though I HAVE to accept where Im at. I catch myself telling myself (as if that makes sense) how, "Im good the way I am"....How, "I shouldnt care" & even how, "Im gonna make it do what it do no matta what" lol, my favorite personal solo convo. But although personal empowerment or sometype of internal esteem building may be good...its based off a lie. Cause at the end of the day its unhealthy.

for now tho, im just gonna see whats up. i have a few things going on and since my bday in december (actually my sisters, who isnt talkin to me now for some strange reason, bday in early decemeber. I partied it up with her and I ate all the deserts at all the eateries that acknowledged her bday) i havent attempted to work out. Im going to get back motivated and get it going. I have sooo many reason as to why I want to do it. For myself primarily but for all the other things I mentioned when I started this blog. When a year anniversary rolled around I wanted to update it again...as I have multiple times. But I feel that not meeting certain goals placed me in such a bad look. Not only did I not reach them....I gave up. I allowed excuses to reign and I never hesitated to just act as if I had forgotten my goal!

All in all Im here again. Reaching a point where I wanna start getting it right. I havent found the perfect receipe but I do know that work is gonna have to be the made ingredient. Ive admitted to being lazy multiple times in the past, but its now time for some work. Ive reached 30. Ive divided my life into chapters and this one is to be titled 'Work'. Im about to make things happen. Im slow to get up to a race that Ive already started times before. But the thing now is that Im not waiting for the dust to settle. Im putting my shades on so nothing will get in my eyes, but I gotta look cool. This time Im gonna put in the work. fa real.

now if i could get over this one thing called procrastination! ugh




Congrats to the Dallas Mavericks, #GOMAVS for their 2011 NBA Championship win. Hate I cant attend the parade tomorrow! Im going to go to the dr and weigh in. lol