...being addicted to crack.

Lord help me. Who else could deliver me from an addiction of such magnitude. As everything should be, I place this in Your Hands.

So, I have a friend thats a crack addict. He has had such a troublesome history surrounding his addiction. Family, jail, jobs, his entire livelyhood....all affected by something that many of us could see a billion times a day and walk right pass it without it having any affect on us. He ,on the other hand, can see crack and it takes him into a different zone. He probably instantly feel a connection. His skin probably tingles, his heart races, his mind wanders......wonders what it would be like for a quick hit. Wonders if the new high last longer and feel better than the last. For a split second...if not longer....he wonders past all the consequences of poor action. He looks for the momentary satisfaction that at that very instance seems to outweigh ANY lasting trouble.



Some of us will never know such a struggle. the struggle in which engulfs all that you are to maintain a normal existance. It would be easy for us to say he shouldnt smoke crack. Of course we would say that. Just as we would say it would be easy for him to stop after going to jail the first, second, or third time. It'd be easy for someone to sit down and explain to him how it has damaged his relationships...both personals and professional. How the exhausting struggle has damaged his image, character, and even physical appearance. Seriously dude....just stop smoking crack, dont u see what its doing to everyone around u....including yourself?



There is really no difference between my addiction and his. but this is MY BLOG....enough about my boy.


So yesterday I told you that I wanted Taco Bell. Well, I went for it. I realized while I was at the stand placing the order that i wasnt even really hungry. I ordered the XXL taco combo with an extral XXL taco. Why? I dont know. I stuffed myself with it after finally getting to the house. I sat there last night full and happy....with a dallop of sadness. Until I realized what I did.

I made up in my mind that I was gonna start tomorrow to eating better. Maybe not even eat anything. I had planned on going to church for noon day service, too. I did neither. I ended up making time with a friend and She & I went to a Chinese Buffet today! I complained about being on a diet the whole time as I had the orange chicken, the sesame chicken, the lo mein, etc. Once again I see a pattern. Im talking more and more about the 60 days and doing less and less.

lets see what tomorrow holds. Im gonna go talk to this one guy who does training and see if he will help me jumpstart a end of the year countdown. setting me up on a work out regimend that corresponds with my bday at the end of the year. hoping that the outcome is a good round number. we will see. its all talk now......apparently.

I want TACO BELL....& Whose gonna STOP ME!

Ok, so as u can gather so far...I want some taco bell. Im sitting here on the couch flipping past the world series. Rangers, Rangers, Rangers!!! The score is Rangers 4 to SanFrans 8. My friend is sitting here with me telling me to turn from baseball. She says she never understood it and she wants to watch something else. She has to repeat herself a couple of times. My mind was so focused on trying to lose weight that I had drifted off into la la land. wondering what it would be like if had lost some weight. wondering what it will be like if i can lose extra pounds by my birthday. Just wondering. Once she had my attention again, I wondered to myself if she ever thought about food as much as I did.

I really wanna use this 60 day countdown as a way to get back into this more heavily. I want to have a greater impact over the next 2 months leading up to my bday. Starting my 30th off a few pounds lighter. Entering into the New Year already into a new regimen.......with a betterment of health as the longterm goal.

My mind has been racing back and fourth all night about what finding something to eat. No matter how hard I try I just cant get food off my mind. There is nothing I can say or do to escape the thought of tacos or nachos from Taco Bell. Im not even realllllly that hungry. But each time I tell myself I shouldnt go. Each time I tell myself the reasons WHY i shouldnt go, I STILL WANT TO GO. I am literally battling myself on wether or not Im gonna go get Taco Bell and the sad part is I know whats gonna win. Ranger game was interupted by a taco bell commercial! I flipped to VH1's I Love Money and Brittanya has on the tightest and shortest and nicest clothes on, she sooooo fine. She a slip away from being naked!...AND YET ANOTHER TACO BELL COMMERCIAL!!!

Its hard to explain to someone on the outside lookin in. But i understand why its not only a physical...but a true emotional struggle too. for some. mainly cause u have to understand the connection u have with food before u simply try to remove it....or even make big modifications to the habits u currently have with it. u shouldnt eat out of habit. with that being said...now what.....

attempting to Getting it Right, again!...(Recent weigh-In included)

ok. so here goes. once again ive reached this point. the point where i say...OK, Im gonna do this. Im gonna do it for realz this time and there is NO giving up. Ive once again gotten to the point where Im setting goals, dates, workout plans, etc. its crazy. I could make a list of the times ive been at this point. each time i tell myself...no, i mean..each time I PSYCH myself into thinking that I can do this. I trick myself into thinking that it will be easier than the last times and i will see results, stick to it, and eventually end up SKINNY! lol. i really need to get it together.

The one thing about letting everyone know that im doing this is that people ask. they ask for many different reasons, but nevertheless they ask. i knew there would be some people that gave up on me from b4 i could start. there are some that ive probably disappointed. i really just wanna stop disappointing myself. when people ask for updates on my blog or where i am on my goals....it reminds me that i need to be doing something. and depending on the moment...i will either do something or feel bad that im not.

i can give u the list of reasons as to why i cant keep up a healthier lifestyle. or why i cant keep it consistent, but i will tell u that there has never been a lack of will and ambition. its the actions that lose ground....the want and need is there.

There is now an added motivation for me. Now Im jumpin' back in this and want to make grand results by the end of the year. I placed myself on a 60 day countdown to my birthday hoping that the short timeline will allow me a more impactful, yet unlengthy moment to break new ground. Its wierd. but its something else to try. lets see what all we can get done within the next 60 days.

By the way.....My most recent official weigh in says that Im now 3 more pounds lighter than the last weigh in. i took a friend to the weigh in. i was thinking that i would have gained about 10 back, but suprisingly enough i had lost an additional 3. that in itself is motivation.

Comin' Clean.......(Part 1)

Ive been having the hardest time. I have made the craziest attempts to make these issues in my life seem so effortless....make them seem irrelevant and unimportant...make it seem as though this too is a ride in my life that I have under control. When I know that I dont. I don't have control over this. I dont have control over the issues, the excuses, the sadness, the depression, the hate, the self-loathing. I remember just the other day being so excited about jumpstarting a workout plan. In April, when I began this, I thought that this would be a piece of cake. I thought that I would be able to look back at April now and see some CRAZY/Great results. Not look back and see a trail of hot mess. Inside I feel like shyt. I feel like this is proof that I cant commit and that I cant do it. I feel like its been a let down to myself, my friends, and family. I put myself into a corner where its only me handling with it and only me left to pick up the pieces after its all came crashing down. again. This is one of those times where I feel kinda helpless.

I remember the other day Ashley asked me if I was seriously trying to lose weight. I said YEA!, why do u think I walk around here everyday. Why do u think I talk about losing weight so much. She asked me had I been a big guy for a long time. I said Ive always been big. She literally started laughing. out loud! She looked at me with her ghetto squint and said that I WOULD NEVER LOSE WEIGHT OR NOT BE A BIG GUY! I honestly was left without words for a minute. I couldnt believe someone could so effortless or carelessly toss my hopes and goals aside as if they were a joke. AND SHE WAS REALLY LAUGHING. wow, was all i could think.

I went to St Johns Church in Grand Prairie. I have this thing about sitting near people. I always feel like My fatness is rubbing on them. Or making them uncomfortable. I feel like people see me coming and either wish they could move or wish that i dont sit or move their way. I sat on a bench and the crazy usher had me scoot further down into the bench so someone could sit down. I hate having to stand so people can squeeze by me. I have not wanted to attend church just cause I have a problem with seating.

I went to IBOC in Dallas. Ok, so I have this thing about squeezing into stadium style seating. I feel that they were made for the skinnys of the world. Do I expect them to make wide seating...which will take up more space, be more costly, and take away from the max number of seats possible.....NO, of course not. Just allow more seats to have the arm able to be lifted. I ended up sitting in a spot where the arm didnt lift and the person beside me kept having to apologize for accidentally bumpin into my left MAN BREAST. how unholy is that.

I went to Cheddars and before I knew it the girls had us seated in a booth. A BOOTH! they know dam well I dont do boothes. I played along with em. They looked, smirked, and acted as if they werent for sure if I wanted to change to a booth. Since everyone was starting to sit down, I just scooted in...let my stomach wrap around the table. and just kept it moving. I felt like going through something like that should teach me not to wanna be fat. i see that it doesnt. it actually just makes u that much more depressed about how fat u are.

When people quote Forrest Gump and say Life is like a box of Chocolates.....all I can think of is biting into all the different chocolates. I completely forget that Forest Gump is even mentioned. I think of all the ones I bite off of and place em back in the box...then go back and eat off the ones i really like. sad, i know.