Withdrawals

Well, here it is. I have barely gotten started again and already running into road blocks. Seems like the older I get not only is it harder to change ya lifestyle but its harder NOT to give up. I find myself feeling as though I have a need for food. I even tell myself that its ok, just do it. It wont hurt anything since u are already bigger than all outdoors. I find myself having to struggle and fall into an all out war over the smallest things. Its unfair. Its unfair that Ive allowed myself to be controlled for so long by food, gluttany, obesity, and an unhealthy lifestyle. But whats even moreso unfair is the fact that Ive fallen into that stage of comfort with the way I am and dont always see a reason to change. I thought when I was younger that Id always have time to get diet and exercise into a daily routine and I wouldnt have problems making it so. THAT WAS A LIE. Im so quick to tell you how Im independent and can do what I want. Im a grown man, I can EAT WHAT I WANT. I can go down the line. At the end of the day I know this is something I have to do. Its just sooo much easier not to do it.
Today I went walking again. Remembering at one time I walked for miles at a time. Now, I have to get myself back focused with exercise primarily. Atleast start counteractin some of these calories Im loading up on daily. Any exercise will help for now I guess. Its just a start. I know Im no where near were I need to be, but Im hoping to not give up this time. No excuses to put it off. One way I plan to do it is that I wont have a bad moment, hour, day or week and then feel like ALL IS LOST. If I fall off the bandwagon then I will just pick up where I left off. Last time I waited til near my bday and had a few bad days. After that I kept putting off gettn back on track but I felt that there was no need cause I allowed too much time to pass. Well, hopefully Ive learned that wont work for me. I have to know that thru the bad moments and the goodones....anytime is a great time to get on track. Im not saying Im already planning to fall off, just being realistic....i feel as though its expected. (Unless the Lord says otherwise and gives me the strength to quit eating crazy, exercise more, and get healthy without falling off).
So many things tie into why I eat the way I do. From hunger to just outta habit. From time/convience to self esteem/depression.
Some family and I went out to eat today to a soul food spot in dallas. (shout out to Sweet Georgia Browns) The portions are soooo ridiculous! I mean....dang. We packed it up and came back home. Now up until that point...I was watching what I had eatin for the day. I was trying to do more moving and burning more calories than I did inhaling foods. I came home with the fam and MURDERED that food. I found myself stuffed beyond repair. I even tasted food from other folks plates! Seriously, Im not a person who eats like that.....but how am I to prove myself. My actions today along with my physical appearance would leave u to believe otherwise. The food was clearly enough for atleast 2, maybe even 3 folks to eat. I didnt even realize til After over half of my food (smothered turkey legs, cabbage greens with FAT back, lol, blackeyed peas, Broccoli Chz casserole covered with a SUPA thick layer of cheese and a host of drinks. Tea, Pepsi &&& water)was about gone that I had stuffed most of it down. I wrapped up what was left, through it in the fridge then started to feel bad. No, literally. I was sooo stuffed that I couldnt function...not to mention that -Itus that is so famous with eating TURKEY! lol. Later this evening I went outside to chat on the phone and did some laps around the basketball court, the park, then the apt complex. I worked up a lil sweat and even felt like I was working down some of that meal for 3 i had attempted to digest from earlier. During my walk I realized how bad I wanted to get back into the swing of a healthier lifestyle.
The rest of the evening was going as plan. No snacks, nothing needed to drink or eat. Watching the ARLINGTON RANGERS win the ALCS had me soo excited that I felt the need to celebrate. lol, As if I too won. Not sure why but I immediately made up multiple excuses as to why its ok to eat the rest of a full course meal at 11pm at night. The game ended and Ricky Smiley was on BET doing comedy. The laughs from him made me want to snack and eat even more. IM NOT SURE WHY! knowing that I have an addiction is one thing....but trying to suppress it is even crazier. The food was calling me from the fridge!! Calling me from inside the container, inside the plastic bag, inside the fridge....all the way to me sitting in the living room watching TV. Eventually I gave in and answered the call. I made myself a plate of ribs, mac and cheese, sweet potatoes, and greens. it was sooooo good. But i already know that it cancels out the little work out I did and took me further down the wrong road....on which im apparently trying to steer clear of. its just not happening as I want.
After I finished and was supa stuffed again I remembered that I had green seedless grapes in the fridge. As soon as I thought of em I had a taste for em. I thought DANG, i coulda had that instead of that huge plate that I finished. My next actions involved me eating grapes. I felt like JUST CAUSE I thought of em I may as well have a few.
I dunno. Im guessing that instead of going thru withdrawals....Im still fully addicted and havent found a way to truly handle it. The changes Ive made so far keep food on my mind even more. Ive started to notice the headaches more, the crankyness, and other issues. All steming from me not eating the way I want. Its kinda humorous but I for one isnt laughing. More like getting laughed at. The struggle is genuine and unless you have been fat for a minute then attempted to make a commitment to getting fit and healthier then u wouldnt understand.

Ive talked enough. Let me leave more for later......