Fat. Everyday, all day. Im so tired of feeling different. Its weird feeling like you are an open target for kids and people with their own insecurities. I hate that I have to confront my own issues. I hate that my issues aren’t the simple issues I see others have. I hate that im sensitive. I hate that me being sensitive affects my heart. I hate that being sensitive affects this process of me walking. I hate the way I see myself. I hate that I hate the way I see myself. I hate how others see me. I hate being fat. I hate thinking that im fat. I hate knowing that im fat. I think I have a fat complex. I hate thinking I have a fat complex. I hate eating. I love eating. I love food. I love cheese. I love sweets. I love junkfood. I love cooking. I love cooking for others. I love walking. I hate walking. I hate sweating. I hate the way people look at me while im exercising. I hate that kids laugh at me. I hate that people HAVE TO tell their kids not to make fun of me or call me fat names. I hate the way that people whisper amongst themselves when they see me. I hate that I notice. I hate that I care. I hate that I cant snap my fingers or blink my eyes and everything changes. I wish I had a genie in a bottle or leprechaun with magic. I hate the sad days. I hate the depression. I hate the lack of motivation. I hate the work that I have to put in. I hate the bad days. I love the bad days. I love that God allows me to look back over everything and know that for every thing I hate….there are 50 things more that I love. I love the fact that the GOOD days out ‘weight’ the bad...lol.
For a dude who prefers to hide his true feelings and emotions for the most part...then have to confront MYSELF and admit that im truly struggling with issues over this is really hard. Its hard knowing that people get up and make these changes like its nothing and I cant even make myself do a minimum lap for 50 days str8 without stopping. Im sad more days now cause I feel like im letting myself down. I know this is temporary. I know what I need to do. Nothing or no one is to blame besides myself.
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I will tell you like this...in everything there are good days and bad. There are days you wake up and feel motivated and there are days that you wake up and feel sad. Here is the thing though...in essence you are going through a break up. You are breaking up with a life that you loved, but that mistreated you. You ARE going to miss the things that you used to you. Your mind has been programmed for 20+ years to live a certain way. It is not anything that will change it just like that. But one thing that was instilled in you for 20+ years is being faithful and determined. In this time it is going to take a lot of faith and effort. You have to have in your mind that it is going to be a long and hard road, but once you get set in a rhythm, it will become second nature. It will be something that you will do..you still may not like to do it, but you will do it because you know that you should. Dont get discourage because of your emotions....I say all this because you essentially are breaking up with a lifestyle that abused you...and now you are waking up and realizing that you deserve better..becuase Billy you are an amazing Heart...and we ALL are blessed to know you. Keep it up and you will be in my prayers. remember it is one day at a time...dont look at the week...dont look at the month...look at each day. conquer each day.
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