part time hustling

Lets say that u clean carpets. U tell me that I can come to u for the hookup at anytime and you need the customers so spread the word. I do that. It hasn’t even been a week….or even a month and you have already fallen off. That shyt pisses me off. Why hustle if you know its just part time. If you don’t wanna put some time and effort into it to see the investment pay off…then why bother. Whats even worse is that I actually took time out calling you trying to see if u were still on the carpet cleaning hustle. Part time hustlers and their part time products.

I feel like im the hustler. This walking and doing something daily is my hustle. And I brag and boast and cant even maintain consistency enough to consider it worth while. Well, not to me atleast. Why bother, I ask myself. Why keep it going?

Im going to get some more partying outta my system for the weekend then buckle down and get some ‘Act Right’ in my system. Each day brings a new struggle but im looking forward to the gym attempts and whatever else im about to step into.

Stay tuned…….

To walk or NOT to walk........that is the question?!

To Walk....

One step at a time. It hurts sometimes to know that I allow simple things to get in my way of what I need to do. Not just with walking but in all aspects. This being the most relevant. I started out saying that walking will be my simple start at making attempts to do SOMETHING each day and also be consistent with something. In hopes that me doing it continuous for so long would make it a habit. I see how skinny people work out daily and truly enjoy it. As if its second nature and I wanna get like that. Why am I not like that. WHY AM I NOT SKINNY ALREADY! Dam.
Ive had those days where I didn’t wanna walk. I did. Ive had those days where I felt the excuses where actually valid. I still walked. Ive had people telling me that walking wasn’t the best start for me…that I should jump head first into doing it….their way. I still walked. I can be proud that I attempt to be strong and walk….but I know the downsides. Ive quit over and over and over again. I tell myself that doing the bare minimum (1 lap around the apts = about 1.5 times the size of the track around the football field) is worth it. I have psyched myself into believing that if I don’t wanna go and just do the minimum Im still doing something. I have to accept that its not. Its not a reason to stop…cause I do believe that doing something is better than nothing…but I cant expect great results with minimum work. Something has to give. Before I do.

or not to walk?....!

I know the reasons behind me doing this. I know the value and importance that this holds to me. I know that I will keep going. But thru all of that it SUCKS knowing that I already skipped days. Excuses or no excuses….I still skipped em. During my trip to Atlanta, I walked a little. 2 of the days I didn’t. Then once I got back I missed another. Including last night Ive missed a total of about 4 since I started at the end of May. Since my party at the end of last month Ive been hitting the minimum for most of the days and have not looked back. Why? Why am I treating this as if it needs minimum care? Whats wrong with me? Why do I have more down days with multiple excuses? Why do I have to talk myself into doing something that I clearly know, believe in, and even understand why I have to continue? Why?…..Why?……Why?! Im lacking physical motivation.

Emotions..............

Fat. Everyday, all day. Im so tired of feeling different. Its weird feeling like you are an open target for kids and people with their own insecurities. I hate that I have to confront my own issues. I hate that my issues aren’t the simple issues I see others have. I hate that im sensitive. I hate that me being sensitive affects my heart. I hate that being sensitive affects this process of me walking. I hate the way I see myself. I hate that I hate the way I see myself. I hate how others see me. I hate being fat. I hate thinking that im fat. I hate knowing that im fat. I think I have a fat complex. I hate thinking I have a fat complex. I hate eating. I love eating. I love food. I love cheese. I love sweets. I love junkfood. I love cooking. I love cooking for others. I love walking. I hate walking. I hate sweating. I hate the way people look at me while im exercising. I hate that kids laugh at me. I hate that people HAVE TO tell their kids not to make fun of me or call me fat names. I hate the way that people whisper amongst themselves when they see me. I hate that I notice. I hate that I care. I hate that I cant snap my fingers or blink my eyes and everything changes. I wish I had a genie in a bottle or leprechaun with magic. I hate the sad days. I hate the depression. I hate the lack of motivation. I hate the work that I have to put in. I hate the bad days. I love the bad days. I love that God allows me to look back over everything and know that for every thing I hate….there are 50 things more that I love. I love the fact that the GOOD days out ‘weight’ the bad...lol.


For a dude who prefers to hide his true feelings and emotions for the most part...then have to confront MYSELF and admit that im truly struggling with issues over this is really hard. Its hard knowing that people get up and make these changes like its nothing and I cant even make myself do a minimum lap for 50 days str8 without stopping. Im sad more days now cause I feel like im letting myself down. I know this is temporary. I know what I need to do. Nothing or no one is to blame besides myself.

weigh in......

Ugh!….where do I begin. Clouded mind full of excuses. I know that Ive honestly had every emotion that a normal person….wait! Its not right to call myself normal. A normal person woulda been showing better results, stronger dedication, more seriousness, better preparation, etc. Something is definitely wrong with me. I can’t understand why this process, in which I am still in the beginning of, is not as easy as I want it to be. it’s a mind game that Im not winning. Its weird.
Sometimes you know exactly where you wanna go. You can see in your head the exact position of where you wanna end up. But somewhere between leaving the starting point and arriving at the destination….u can make a wrong turn and end up way up the block trying to do a u-turn, having to get back on track. Remembering that you’ve known all along where you are going. I know I have this beat. I can see where I wanna be at the end of the day….Its getting there that im allowing to be a hard struggle.

My neurologist smiled when he saw my weight. “Wow, Mr Gordon…you are definitely going in the right direction.” I had to ask him if he was serious. I had saw the weight and noticed that it wasn’t NEAR the amount I wanted. I started at 398 and thought that I would be at 320 by now ……something is WRONG. Lol ok, well maybe not 78 pounds. But anything more than the original 13 that was lost the first two weeks woulda been suffice. Im only 9 down. I GAINED 4 from the first few I lost. IM DYING INSIDE! Literally wanted to jump off a bridge. I actually told the doc that if I was near a bridge I would need help getting past it. Lol. All he see is the numbers in front of him on paper. He doesn’t understand the struggle. it’s a mental and physical one. He talked with me about it and made me understand that any loss is a great loss. I had to post a pic of the most current documented weigh ins for the readers.

I am deeply motivated to getting in a better physical position. But on MY TERMS! (....& im worried)