7 days in a week!

Is it too early to be happy? Today marks the end of the first week of me walking. One week alone has had its on up and downs. More ups than down cause Im still standing after this week. Im not sure how much longer it will last….but we will see. I added headphones to the mix today and it made an otherwise boring exercise session rather enjoyable. I added more walking today since my 1st cuz from Arkansas is here visiting. I felt I had to show him a small part of the walking that I do so that he can see that Im actually covering a little ground. Literally. Today all the walking done makes it the most walking so far. Im looking forward to next week and hoping that a week from now that I can say that I made it through 2 weeks instead of one. Its still a one day at a time struggle. But knowing that I’ve made it for at least a week lets me know that it may work out in my favor.

I have a billion things to work on. Exercise is just the first in a long list of improvements.

Sweaty.Crack

Im not sure how blogging works. Whats the time frame on posting? Is there a such thing as blogger ettiquette? What is ettiquette? Those are the type of things I wanna know. Simply because NO ONE READS THIS! lol. This exercise thing is starting to be consistent and once I get out of the initial "draggin' my ass off the couch" mode I feel like it will pick up. Ive talked to a couple of people that has said they have started new trends in their exercise and eating habits and are already into it a few months. Im trying to take it one day at a time, but I know its possible.

Today someone invited me to the gym. She said that she had my back as though she supported me with my attempt at making exercise a routine. WHAT! Is it weird that I felt special for a moment. I think that just makes me look as sad as I really am. lol. I did feel special though. I just dont think Im ready for the gym yet. That alone gave me motivation to walk. Its the furtherest Ive walked so far. It has to be atleast a mile. fa real. Im glad a couple people were out to see. atleast 3 people told me it was too hot and that I should walk when its more cooler...like early AM or later in the PM. I walked around 11am. It was super hot and I was super SWEATY.CRACK open some A/C was all I could think.

I kept going.

I appreciate folks taking me serious. I appreciate 'some' folks for the cool moments in this craziness period.


God has my back and never lets me down. I tell people how good He is in other things...I apparently need to start aknowledging him more in this avenue. He is definetely needed.

If you see me walkin'.....Join in.

Its ok to skip a day....I will make it up later.

I really just wanna laugh at how crazy this is already affecting me. Really. I think about it all the time. Knowing that Ive made such a strong commitment (yes, I too am scared of commitment ladies!) and that I hold myself accountable is craaaazy. I should start an excuses list. I should jot down daily excuses I have for why something as simple as walking is so hard to do. Yesterday I walked a little extra than what Ive been doing and today I went the other direction and cut some of the workout time off. Is that normal? I was having one of those….Its ok to skip a day, I will make it up later……moments. I should know by now that it never works like that with me. I went back and fourth all day trying to decide if I was gonna do ANYTHING. I finally did. Whew. What a relief. Im still in it. Thank GOD. I don’t wanna set myself up for failure thinking that if I don’t walk everyday it will cause a problem in my process. I know for a fact that giving up will be 10 times easier if I skip a day of working out this soon. Im trying to tell myself that there are no excuses. Ive had a soar leg, an ankle that acts as if carrying around 400lbs is too much!, a bad headache, fatigue…..etc. You get the picture? I do. I went walking anyway. I made an effort and it paid off. On to the next one.

Im sad at myself cause I can’t believe Im allowing this to be an actual struggle. I know its not gonna be easy….but I felt in me that it would all work smooth since I had told myself it was something I wanted to do. Lets just say……..The mind is a very strong muscle.

I can understand why the eating part is so important. Exercising makes you not want to eat unhealthy things SOMETIMES just cause you think of how much goes into losing each calorie. Its not fair that something that takes 10 minutes to eat….may take a week to burn off! Lol. U know what I mean though. Its definitely something to think about.

Til next time. Hey, if u see me walkin’….join in.

Bg

whose ROLL is this??

Ok. So going at it for a few days for someone who doesn’t quite get the psyche side of this…..I see its really gonna be a HOT MESS! I have to walk with my head down staring at the ground for now. Walking with people is cool but I see how that can not be so good too. Go figure. ut when Im by myself something goes on. Im not for sure if its healthy or not. Not sure if Im suppose to succumb to the victimizing and cruelty I allow me to put myself under. Its like meeting ya worse enemy and having one on one time with them on a daily. They know you better than yaself and has something to say about everything. In my case….It seems to rarely be good. I have to keep looking down so no one will see the tears. Rolling down my face. Apparently tears burn! Tears of sweat that is. Im a wreck, but not that bad. Well, I guess it depends on who Im askin. Walking along the side of the road or thru the apts Im on a mission. Face Down, Head Up, Back Straight, Breathe, Walk, Breathe, Walk! Yea, I need to get a headset. If someone asked me for advice about toughing through this I would tell them to Be strong and all the other stuff people say when you are working at something. Its different for me though. Its like an uphill battle with a lot of little hills and unnecessary pot holes that make the journey that much more rough. Im digging the pot holes. Im creating my own little hills. Face Down. Breathe!

I was rolling around my KANGsize bed and felt around looking for my phone. I reached under me to see if I had rolled over it and grabbed something else. For a quick second I thought it was one of the pillows that come with the bed-in-a-bag set….too many dam pillows if ya ask me!,…but it wasn’t. It was ONE OF MY BACK ROLLS! Who says that? Who has them? Who wants them?? Whatever ya question is…It cant replace the shock at that whole situation. Honestly I figured the fact that me thinking that I was skinny was a good thing. Its not. Its not healthy at all. Not when you seriously forget you have rolls. I think Im turning on myself. Fat Billy and Skinny Billy are once again at war. I’m not sure who is gonna win. Im not even sure who Im rooting for. Just in typing this blog the moment of defeat passed thru. Its just that simple. But I have to win. Skinny Billy has to win. OMG! Whats wrong with me?

Im scared to proof read this. I might need serious help.

Billy vs BG - Round 1

Should I exercise today? I mean hey!…I have been doin’ good the last few days. I was thinking that I would skip my morning walk and just do one later this evening. My mind isn’t focused enough to walk. I really need to just chill, update my fb games, catch some TV, go pay RentACenter!, I even have to make a few calls. My day is tooo busy and I just don’t feel like walkin’ right now.

That’s how my day started. I had to convince myself that I even WANTED to walk! I wasn’t soar. I wasn’t sick. I wasn’t even in a rush to do anything. I was having a FAT MOMENT and didn’t wanna walk outside my door with the intent on making efforts toward exercise. Its hard to explain how a GROWN ASS MAN can sit and talk back and fourth with himself about something so simple. I did. I do. I will. But just like I did this morning, I have to make myself do things I may not even feel like doing. I had no excuse. I had to convice myself of that. I did get out. I did make myself go. & I will make myself go. Each time.

That’s my goal….to have victory over myself. I have to adopt a whole other mind set and its not gonna be easy. I didn’t give in this morning. Before I dragged myself into the street this morning I felt that this journey was about to turn ugly. I didn’t feel that the motivation that I needed was their. If it was their…It wasn’t strong enough. I was having a FAT MOMENT. That’s the moment where you start to realize that its not gonna be easy and you fix your sights on the negative parts of the process. I read 4 messages that were in my inbox that were COMPLETELY in support of me and my efforts. They appreciated the BG30 blog and it really made my morning. I was feeling all weird that people even read it…then to know that they care and are behind me gave me the energy to get out there today and make it do what it do! I did it with ease. Im on my way outside now to hit a block. Just glad that Im still motivated and in it for the fight. My heart is in it. My mind is all over the place. My body has no choice.

All comments are appreciated. Don’t hesitate to leave a note. If you see me outside walkin’….Join In!

Fat Man Walkin'

Feels weird trying to explain something so personal to people that will probably never understand. You probably don’t understand me…so I know my thoughts will confuse you. Hell…my thoughts confuse me!

Walking toward the crosswalk earlier all I could think was that I definitely need to make a list of all the things I need to help me with this. Better shoes, headphones, more workout clothes, etc. Well…better yet…I really shouldn’t be exercising until I actually get all the stuff I need. That’s the best way to do it. I don’t wanna be uncomfortable or not have all the necessities. If I’m gonna to do it.. I’m gonna do it right!

And just like that my journey would take detour. Eventually ending up in a pile of other failed actions due to notable excuses. I make sure that the reasoning is good enough and then I talk myself into believing it. I see now that the MENTAL SIDE OF THIS is gonna literally ‘weight’ me down.

Im still inspired. Just a little doubtful. Im also concerned. Some skinny folks walked past me today and had remarks and jokes. Nothing worth me commenting on with them. I think one of em called me a fat mr T. Another dude slowed his car down and yelled “let her walk with ya bro! make my girl walk, she needs to get out there with u!” as he pointed to the woman in the passenger seat. They drove off laffin it up. I feel like im walking down the street with a sign that says... FAT MAN WALKING! Stuff like that bothers me a little. I will leave it at that.

Im still in it. You would think its too early to give up. Lol. You would think.

a lil Background......(Before getting started sets in...)

….I can hear her laugh as she opened the countrified screen door giving off its screeching alarms to let all know someone else had entered. My grandpa was onto his coffee and off to his days activities. I alone would sit in the kitchen with her as she prepared the rest of that huge country breakfast that was left over for me and then transition into dinner. I would reap the benefits of it all. She taught me so much. I love her for loving me and even now…20 years to the day of her death, I still look to honor her and the memories I have for her in my heart.

Minnie May (Morris) Goshen 1932-1990

Each morning my grandparents ritual was to get up and dressed, start a fire in the heater, then sit to eat breakfast. I remember looking out the window from our trailer across the street. I can still see a cool brisk summer morning waiting for the chimney to smoke. That was our signal. That was their way of letting me know that it was time to come on over and get it while its hot. Krispy Kreme has their ’Hot’ light….grandma had smoke signals! I doubt they did it on purpose at first…however they did know the significance of it to me eventually. My grandfather jokes still come up about his tricks on not lighting the fire until after breakfast. Just so he could laugh at me showing up late. Nothing compares to the love you get from grandparents. It too is truly priceless.

On May the 25^th of 1990 my grandmother passed away. I still remember that day as if it was yesterday. She left this earth due to congestive heart failure. “Fluid around the HEART, Fluid in the LUNGS..Fluid!....” was all I heard as a 9yo kid. I didn’t understand what high blood pressure was. Diabetes wasn’t a young folks disease so I didn’t understand it enough to care what it was, so I thought. Taking pills was something sick people did and I wasn‘t sick. Dialysis was something I witnessed or heard a lot of people went through…but never did it affect me. BUT It should have since these were and are still things that affected those around me on a daily basis.

After she passed away it literally changed the dynamic of my family. It left a void in my heart. She was grace on earth. For a child that went through a major part of my life feeling rejected and unaccepted…she made sure I knew I was family. AGAIN!! That was 20 years ago….and now I’m needing the additional inspiration to crack open, fall into, dive head first…or whatever you call it…into this next section of my life. I pray that the strength I felt they portrayed to me as a yungin’ empowers me to accomplish some small goals. I will do these things for God and pray that it honors him. I will do this for myself in hopes that I’m here another day to do His Will. I will do this for my Minnie Mae Goshen who after all these years still inspire me. I will do this because I truly believe that her showing me how to eat and smothering me with love through food was her only way of showing me that. I appreciate that…I really, really do.

Now its time to learn how to be healthy. I am going to take it one day at a time. The good, the bad & the ugly. I’m going to truly make an effort to get my health together. I wouldn’t put your money on me. I wasn’t blessed to believe in myself and to be so extremely confident as others seem to be. So this is definitely going to be a HOT MESS…..